Assortment Of One-Liners

I think that if Aliens ever visit earth, we should act superior to them; I mean, sure they can travel through space faster than the speed of light, but I bet they don't know even one good blonde joke.

When I was a child and got dirty, my mother would spit on a handkerchief and use it to clean the dirt off. I guess in her mind, muddy and disgusting was better than just muddy.

I sleep better at night knowing that scientists can clone sheep.

For others who may not know this: When the preacher says, "You may now kiss the bride," he's only speaking to the groom.

I ran out of ice cream bars the other day, and I cried. Then I remembered Alexander the Great, and how he wept when there were no more worlds to conquer. How very much alike we are, I thought.

There are twelve months in the year. That's kind of cool, because it makes life a little more predictable.

Why not drink a whole bottle of battery acid, and THEN get swallowed by a python? Boy, the joke's on him!

If you're only as old as you feel, how come I can't retire yet??

I think having "MEN" and "WOMEN" signs on bathrooms is a bad idea, because if aliens thought those rooms held standard specimens and went in to record data, they'd get some pretty bizarre examples.

If I ever make it on Wheel of Fortune, I'm sneakin' in my own vowels under my jacket. No way I'm gonna pay $250, especially for a "U".

I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out okay.

And I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings. And I HATE people like that!

There's no time like the present. But a couple of minutes ago probably bore a "striking" similarity.