Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down until the thought goes away.

God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.