Now, you might think that a couple of funny-boys could squeeze gallons of laughter out of a bad-haircut saga like this. But these haircuts weren't bad-funny. They were bad-ghastly. They were prison-camp bad and Pauly Shore unfunny.

We knew that we could not face the believers of COFT in this state. So, following the urging of that wise man Carrot Top, we dialed down the center of a pay phone and called our friend G-Dawg in Los Angeles. He's in the entertainment industry, he's cool, he's unflappable, and he's one of the few people in the country who will accept a collect call from the Brothers Hafer.

We explained our dilemma, both yakking into the phone at the same time. After we finished kvetching, he paused a few moments. Then, in a soothing, measured tone, he said, "Dudes, I have the solution. All you have to do is shave your heads."

We protested furiously. We told G-Dawg we would feel naked without our hair. We told him we feared that if we relinquished our locks, they might never grow back. We told him it would be a hot winter in North Dakota before we would ever shave our heads.

He let us vent. Then he said, "I understand your reservations. But shaved heads are in. Look at Michael Jordan. Look at Bruce Willis. Look at Charles Barkley. Look at Sinead O'Connor."

"Sinead O'Connor?!" we screamed in unison.

"Okay, okay," G-Dawg said. "Don't look at her. But do look at the other guys. They look smooth. They look confident. They save money on shampoo. Power-bald, dudes—it's the look of the future."

The call ended. We knew Mr. Dawg was right. No hair at all had to be better than the hair we were sporting. Besides, the whole Jordan/Willis/Barkley thing was working on us. On the way to the drugstore to purchase a couple of heavy-duty Bic shavers, we took turns naming more cool bald icons: Savalas, Picasso, Connery, Moby (the musician, not the whale).

We zipped into a YMCA and stood before a wall of mirrors, where we proceeded to free our respective noggins of the atrocious 2-for-1 hair butchering. We smiled as we thought of our friend's wise counsel. We wondered whom we would resemble most when we were done—basketball stars or movie action heroes?

We toweled remnant patches of shaving cream off our domes and gazed eagerly at our reflections.

We looked like two scrawny sons of Uncle Fester.

Some people look cool bald. But those people have symmetrically shaped heads that have seen the light of the sun. Our heads looked like hard-boiled eggs that had been peeled, then beaten with a small ball peen hammer.

The congregation at COFT stared at us that evening with looks of shock and pity. It was especially embarrassing to be up there not only bald but with heads dotted with tiny pieces of blood-stained toilet paper.

The whole thing was excruciatingly uncomfortable, but we did get a record-size love offering.

We drove out of Minot that evening. (We didn't get the usual invitation to stay overnight with one of the church families. We learned later that most of them were afraid we would give their children—or their pets—nightmares.) We left filled with embarrassment and despair. Embarrassment over the pasty-domed spectacles we had made of ourselves. Despair over the prospect of having to do gig after gig with our new maimed Uncle Fester look.

How long will it take for our hair to grow back? we wondered. More importantly, how long would it take for our dignity to grow back?

As we neared the North Dakota state line, God must have decided to smile on us or at least wink at us. Because on a large sign outside a gift shop/gas station, we read the words that would cover our present humiliation and protect us from the potential rogue barbarian shops we might encounter in the future. The sign proclaimed: WEEKEND SPECIAL: 2-FOR-1 BASEBALL KAPZ!
 
Excerpted from Mischief from the Back Pew by Todd & Jedd Hafer. Copyright © 2003. Published by Bethany House Publishers. Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.
Todd Hafer is an award-winning writer with 19 published books. Jedd is a comedian and speaker who has appeared all over the country. They have coauthored three other books including Stranger in the Chat Room.