First time at a dog show, I'll tell you quite plain,
I'll never, no never, go back there again.
The breeder said "Show him", when I bought my dog,
I showed him alright - the whole place was agog!

They gave me a number, they gave me a pin,
But I just couldn't bear to stick the thing in.
So I rushed to the shop and bought some clear glue,
And stuck the card onto his rear in the loo.

We arrived at the ringside to find we were first
In the pup class (this was the worst!)
We marched together as fast as was able,
Arrived at the judge who said, "Up on the table."

This really surprised me, my skirt was quite tight
And I just couldn't make it, try hard as I might.
The judge looked quite worried. He said "Listen here,
Put the dog on the table, not you, my dear."

By now I was trembling, I felt such a fool,
But I said to myself, "We'll just play it cool."
"How old", said the judge, I heard it quite clear,
Well REALLY!! thought I...and said, "Thirty, next year."

The steward, poor fellow, threw a kind of fit,
He spluttered and coughed, his eyes ran a bit.
"I'd have that cough seen to," I said to him when,
He'd finally stopped...but then started again.

"Once round the ring, dear, as fast as you can,"
Said the judge, so I just ran and ran.
But when I arrived (out of breath, I'll admit)
The judge said, "Your DOG dear", I felt such a twit.

Off round again, I kept my head bent.
Oh, the shame: my pup crouched and just went and went.
A lady came running, a bucket and spade,
With manure that pricey...has she got it made!

We came back to the judge, who said with a frown,
"Stand your dog." Said I, "He's not lying down."
"You can take the First Place Stand", he said.
I said, "Ha!"
What a job I had getting that stand in the car!