I graduated from a private school that I didn't like much.

Once I was outta there, I had no particular desire to ever contribute to their latest fund drive or future athletic events. Sure enough, Alumni Affairs staff called my folks, got my current number and tracked me down.

"So, what have you been doing with yourself?" the perky alumnus asked.

I responded, "Oh, not a lot. Just stealing cars and running moonshine."

They've never called back.