Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
 The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
 You keep repeating yourself.
 You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
 Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
 Your children begin to look middle aged.
 You keep repeating yourself.
 You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
 Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
 You look forward to a dull evening.
 Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
 You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
 You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
 Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
 You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
 Your back goes out more than you do.
 You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
 You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
 You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
 You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
 You're proud of your lawn mower.
 Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
 Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
 You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
 You make an appointment to see the dentist.
 People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
 You have a dream about prunes.
 You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
 You send money to PBS.
 The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
 You take a metal detector to the beach.
 You wear black socks with sandals.
 You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
 Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
 You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
 If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
 You keep repeating yourself.
 You discover bifocals are stylish.
 When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and you can't get it back around.
 Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
 Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
 You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
 Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
 People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
 Your social security number only has three digits.
 In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
 It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
 Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
 No one expects you to run into a burning building.
 Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
 People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
 There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
 Things you buy now won't wear out.
 You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
 You can eat dinner at 4:00.
 You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
 You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
 You're actually interested in hearing about other people's operations.
 You get into a heated argument about pension plans and social security.
 You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
 You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
 You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
 You sing along with the elevator music.
 You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
 Your eyes won't get much worse.
 Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
 Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
 Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
 Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
 People begin sending you lists like this and you say, "Man, it is so funny," but can't remember even one line to recite.