"Things You Should Have Learned By The Time You Reach Middle Age"

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Men are from earth.  Women are from earth.  Deal with it.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

Sorry, but it ain't the jeans that make your backside look fat.