I started with nothing. I still have most of it.

When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

The first rule of holes: if you are in one, stop digging.

I tried to get a life once, but they told me they were out of stock.

I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

It was so different before everything changed.

Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I wish the buck stopped here! I could use a few.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

Never knock on death's door, ring the bell and run. (he hates that.)

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself)

When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.

There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick & the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses; they're everywhere.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.