The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations.

Dear Mr. Butcher, starting tomorrow, please leave eight pounds of meat for Brutus.  Six pounds only makes him angry and vicious!

Dear Mr. Mailman, we found bloodstains all over our mail.  They must be yours. The next time you put mail into our slot, please be sure to keep all parts of your body well clear of all openings.  P.S. - Any sign of that book we sent for, "The Care and Feeding of Wild Jungle Cats"? Thanks Mr. Roy

Selma, don't  come in!  The boa constrictor got loose again...

Dear Mr. Exterminator, be very careful when you go inside!  The termites have eaten through most of the floorboards and you will fall into the basement where all of the rats are!

To whom it may concern:  Some of the items in this house have been engraved with Federal Identification Numbers.  Others have merely been wired to explode when touched.  Good luck...