This is a specially formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day:

1 Grapefruit
1 Slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea
1 Chocolate biscuit

The rest of the biscuits in the packet
1 tub of Rocky Road Ice Cream with Choc-Ice Topping 1 jar Nutella

4 bottles of coke
2 loaves Garlic Bread
1 family size Supreme Pizza
3 Snickers bars

Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

1. If no-one sees you eat something, it has no calories
2. When drinking a diet coke with a chocolate bar, the fat in the chocolate bar is canceled out by the diet coke
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do not eat more than they do
4. Food used for medical purposes does NOT count (for example: hot chocolate, toast, cheesecake and vodka)
5. If you fatten up the people around you, you will look thinner
6. Cinema related foods have a zero calorie count as they are part of the entertainment package and not counted as food intake (this includes: popcorn, choc tops, maltezers, jaffas and frozen cokes)
7. Biscuit pieces have no calories because breaking the biscuits up causes calorie leakage
8. Food licked from knives and spoons have no fat if you are in the process of cooking something
9. Foods that are the same colour have the same amount of fat. Examples are: spinach and peppermint ice-cream, apples and red jelly snakes
10. Chocolate is like a food-colour wild card and may be substituted for any other colour
11. Anything eaten while standing has no calories due to gravity and the density of the calorie mass
12. Food consumed from someone else's plate has no fat as it rightfully belongs to the other person and will cling to his/her plate (oh, how fat likes to cling)!

And remember: