Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps".

You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome".

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced".

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective".

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal".

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information".

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful.
It's "digestively challenged"

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience".

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness".

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear".

You weren't passing notes in class.
You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations".

You're not being sent to the principal's office.
You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building".