*A motorcycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
*What's the definition of a will?  (It's a dead giveaway).
*Time flies like an arrow.  Fruit flies like a banana.
*A backwards poet writes inverse.
*In democracy it's your vote that counts.  In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
*She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
*A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
*If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed. If you then pay them you get dispossessed.
*With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
*Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
*When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
*The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
*A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
*You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
*Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
*He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
*Every calendar's days are numbered.
*A lot of money is tainted.  It taint yours and it taint mine.
*A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
*He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
*A plateau is a high form of flattery.
*The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
*Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
*Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
*Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
*When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
*Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
*Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
*Acupuncture is a jab well done.
*Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.