Fujita Scale: used to measure wind speeds of a tornado and their severity.
F1: Laughable little string of wind unless it comes through your house, then enough to make your insurance company drop you like a brick. (People enjoy standing on their porches to watch this kind.)
F2: Strong enough to blow your car into your house, unless of course you drive an Expedition and live in a mobile home, then strong enough to blow your house into your car.
F3: Will pick your house and your Expedition up and move you to the other side of town.
F4: Usually ranging from 1/2 to a full mile wide, this tornado can turn an Expedition into a Pinto, then gift wrap it in a semi truck.
The Mother of all Tornadoes, you might as well stand on your front porch and watch it, because it's probably going to be quite a last sight.
Meteorologist:
A rather soft-spoken, mild-mannered type person until
severe weather strikes, and they start yelling at you
through the t.vs..: "GET TO YOUR BATHROOM OR
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE!"
Storm Chaser:
Meteorologist-rejects who are pretty much insane but
get us really cool pictures of tornadoes. We release
them from the mental institution every time it starts
thundering, just to see what they'll do.
Tranquilizer:
What you have to give any dog or cat who lived through
the tornado every time it storms or they tear your whole
house up freaking out of their minds.
Moore, Oklahoma or Tornado Alley, Alberta:
A favorite gathering place for tornadoes. They like to
meet here and do a little partying before stretching out
across the rest of the Midwest.
Bathtub:
Best place to seek shelter in the middle of a tornado,
mostly because after you're covered with debris, you
can quickly wash off and come out looking great.
Severe Weather Radio:
A handy device that sends out messages from the
National Weather Service during a storm, though
quite disconcerting because the high pitched, shrill
noise just as an alarm sounds suspiciously just like
a tornado. Plus the guy reading the report just sounds
creepy.
Tornado Siren:
A system the city spent millions to install, which is really
useful, unless there's a storm or a tornado, because
then of course you can't hear them.
Storm Cellar:
A great place to go during a tornado, as it is almost 100%
safe, though weigh your options carefully, as most are not
cared for and are homes to rats and snakes.
May-June:
Tourist season in Oklahoma, when people who are tired
of bungee jumping and diving out of airplanes decide it
might be fun to chase a tornado. These people usually
end up on Fear Factor.
July-August
Tourist season in Alberta, when people are tired of Rodeo
stuff like Bronc Busting or riding Brahma Bulls by the name
of Twister...
Barometric Pressure:
Nobody really knows what this is, but when it drops a lot
of pregnant women go into labor, which makes for exciting
moments as their husbands are trying to drive them to the
hospital and dodge tornadoes at the same time.
Cars:
The worst place to be during a tornado (next to a mobile
home). Yes, you can out run a tornado in your car...
unless everybody on the road decides to do the same
thing, and then you're in grid lock.
A Ditch:
Supposedly where you're supposed to go if you find yourself
without shelter or in your car during a tornado. Theoretically
the tornado is supposed to pass right over you, but since it
can lift a 20 ton truck and up root a three hundred year old
tree, I'd bet my life on out-running it in a car.
Mobile Home:
Most people are convinced mobile homes send off some
strange signal that triggers tornadoes, because if there's
one mobile home park in a hundred mile radius, the tornado
will find it.
Earthquake:
What any Californian would rather go through on any scale
of severity than face a tornado.
Tornado:
What any Oklahoman or Albertan would rather go through
on any scale of severity than face an earthquake.
Twister:
Slang for 'tornado' and also the title to a movie starring
Helen Hunt, which incidentally everyone thought was corny
and unrealistic.
Power Flash:
One of the most reliable ways to track a tornado at night,
it's the term used when the tornado hits a power line and
a bright light flashes. It's also the emotion experienced
by meteorologists when they get to make the call to interrupt
prime-time must-see t.vs.. and a million dollars worth of
advertising to track a storm for viewers.
And, here are some phrases you might want to learn and be familiar with:
"We'll have your electricity restored in 24 hours," which means it'll be a week.
"We're going to be out for a week, so buy a lot of supplies and an expensive generator," means it's going to be on in twelve hours, probably as soon as you return from Wal-Mart-Mart.
"It's a little muggy today." Get outta town. It's getting ready to storm.
"There's just a slight chance of severe weather today, so go ahead and make your outdoor plans." Ha. Ha ha ha ha.
And the BIG TIP of the day: When your electricity goes out, and you go to bed at night, be sure to turn off everything that was on before it went out, or when it is unexpectedly restored in the middle of the night, every light, every computer, your dishwasher, your blow dryer, your washing machine, your microwave and your fans will all come on all at once.
1) You'll just about have a heart attack when they all come on at the same time, waking you from a dead sleep.
And 2) Your breakers will blow, leaving you in the dark once again.
