If you kicked him in the heart, you'd break your toe.
He'd steal a dead fly from a blind spider.
He's deaf, and never told his barber.
You couldn't warm up to him if you were cremated together.
He sends get-well cards to hypochondriacs.
He'd cry over your wounds so he could get salt in them.
He has as much use for anyone living as an undertaker.
He applied for a job as a prison warden so he could put tacks in the electric chair.
The only thing he'll share with you willingly is a communicable disease.
He folds his newspaper so the guy next to him on the bus can only read half the headline..
He dreamed that he died and the heat woke him up.
He takes sparrows, dips them in peroxide, and sells them as canaries.
He'd throw a drowning man both ends of the rope.
He knifes you in the back, and then has you arrested for carrying a weapon.
He campaigned for a dry county, got it passed, and then moved away.
He told his children the Easter Bunny got run over by a car.
He was engaged to a girl with a wooden leg, but he got mad and broke it off.
He never hits a man when he's down--he kicks him.
He never eats his heart out; he'd starve to death.
He'd borrow your pot just to cook your goose.
Only gravediggers would enjoy working for him.
He gave his wife oysters and a rabbit's foot because she wanted pearls for her birthday.
He had three phones installed so that he could hang up on more people.