Two-pound Lab puppies. Phone: 555-2206. Leave mess.

Five-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Get rid of aunts: 'Kill-Em' does the job in 24 hours.

Saul's Auto Repair: Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

The Pump House, bodybuilders' heaven. Open house Monday; free coffee and donuts.

Do something special for your loved one this anniversary! Have your septic tank cleaned.

Smoked boneless man--$2.09 a pound.

For Rent: Four-bedroom hated apartment.

Tired of working for only $9.25 an hour? We offer full benefits and flexible hours. Starting pay anywhere from $7 to $9 per hour.

Wanted: Free furniture, bedding, kitchen table, color TV, etc.

For Sale: One used tombstone. Perfect for anyone named Herald Wade Miller.

Tickle Me Elmo for sale. Brand new, comes with 1981 Buick LeSabre: $2,555.

Butcher gloves for sale. One five-fingered glove and one two-finger. $18 for pair.

Debbie's Hair Salon: If we can't make you look good, you're UGLY!

Free dog. Eats anything, and is fond of children.

Free puppies. Half poodle, half real dog.

Free puppies: half poodle, half sneaky dog next door.

Wanted: Food-prep experience preferred. Must be willing to get hands dirty.

Washer, $200. Hardly used, great condition, owned by a dirty bachelor.