Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Why aren't there any nuts or grapes in grape nuts?

You know what? I'm glad I'm not a laboratory animal. Do you have any idea how many of those little animals get cancer?

On a scale between one to ten, you're an idiot!

"A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again." - Jay Leno

"Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200"

"An Australian relief effort is knitting sweaters to protect the feathers of penguins who are being affected by an oil spill. The sweaters are being refused by many penguins who'd rather die then dress casual." - Conan O'Brien

"AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

A wolf in sheep's clothing needs professional help.

Above all else: Sky.

Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process.

And he disappeared in a puff of logic.

And now for some feedback: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers.

Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored.

At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year.

Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed.

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

665: Neighbor of the Beast.

666A, 666B - Tenants of the beast.

766: Upstairs neighbor of the Beast.

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Gotta run. Neighbors just sighted Elvis making crop circles.

Growing old is mandatory. Growing up? Definitely optional.

Guests who kill their talk show hosts. On the last Donahue.

He said he was dying of fast women, slow horses, crooked cards and straight whisky.

Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

Help, I've fallen and I can't... Hey, nice carpet!

And from Star Trek:

"Scotty, beam us aboard". "Aye, sir. Will a 2x4 do?"

AAAAAGGGGHHHH" - Any "Classic" Star Trek Security officer sometime during the show.

You, in the red uniform, go see what that noise is!

Scotty is smoking the dilithium crystals again, Jim

"Ensign, fire at will"
"Ahhhh, captain, I'd rather fire at Wesley!"

"Everyone, stand back. He's got a magnet!" - Data

Captain Picard: "Mr. Worf, your impression?"
Worf: "I'm sorry Captain, I don't do impressions."

Jean-Luc Picard and Mister Clean: Separated at birth?

Old Klingon proverb: Fool me once, shame on you: fool me twice, prepare to die.

Mister Worf, show these children the airlock. - Picard

Submitted by: Leslie