When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." - Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." - Author Unknown

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." - Dave Barry

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" - Paula Poundstone

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my .... I could be eating a slow learner." - Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of people in New York said, 'I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" - Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." - Johnny Carson

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?" - Warren Hutcherson

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My, you're right!  I never would've thought of that!'" - Dave Barry