Music hath charms to soothe a savage beast, but I'd rather have a gun. -Josh Billings

While people may not be a great deal wiser after my sermon, but they are always a great deal older.  -W R Inge

The person who agrees with everything you say either isn't listening to you or plans to sell you something.  -Bud Holiday

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.  -Fran Lebowitz

If I put on five more pounds, I'll be eligible for statehood.-Audrey Buslik

Lack of education is an extraordinary handicap when one is being offensive. -Josephine Tey

Some parents have a hard time deciding on a name for the new baby, but others have rich relatives. -Don McElroy

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. - Steven Wright

Love your enemies, it will drive them nuts. - Eleanor Doan

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses. - Woody Allen

The French don't care what they do as long as they pronounce it properly. - George Bernard Shaw

Any child who is anxious to mow the lawn is too young to do so. -Bob Phillips