"Have you noticed that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone driving faster than you is a maniac?" ~ George Carlin

"Time's fun when you're having flies." ~ Kermit The Frog

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." ~ Rod Stewart

Q.  How can a bowling alley be the quietest place?
A.  Because you can hear a pin drop.

Q. What did the bartender ask Charles Dickens when he ordered a martini?
A.  Olive or twist?

"If mini-marts are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day, and 7 days a week, than why do the doors have locks on them?" ~ Gallagher

"If winning isn't everything, than why do they keep score?" ~ Vince Lombardi

"I recently had my Visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I want to be." ~ Scott Wood

"Why do they call it 'rush hour' when nothing moves?" ~ Robin Williams