"My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car."

"Making coffee...is the only thing 'real men' do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw."

"Giving birth is little more than a set of muscular contractions granting passage of a child. Then the mother is born."

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery."

"Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer SAYS you're out of it."

On vacations: "We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings."

"My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch on fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one cares. Why should you?"

"I never leaf through a copy of 'National Geographic' without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes."

"When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain. They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a spectator. It's like being the vice-president of the United States.