The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.

People who are wrapped up in themselves are overdressed.

An expert is someone called in at the last minute to share the blame.

If you solved the NY Times' Saturday's crossword puzzle, you probably cheated.

A word of advice . . .  don't give it.

If we made it illegal, do you think more people would vote?

I am logged in . . .  therefore, I am.

A journey of a two hundred miles starts with an argument over how to load the car.

Justice is blind and in some cases . . . deaf and dumb.

To belittle is to be little.

When fear knocks at the door, and you answer, there will be no one there.

Poverty is a condition with but one advantage, it doesn't take much to improve your lot.

The first rule of tinkering is to save all the parts.

I'm retiring in Mexico. Sunny, affordable and no predatory reverse mortgages.

A pessimist is a man who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Once you pass 40, your "Big break" will probably be a bone.

Politics isn't about hunger or taxes or equality . . . it's about politics.

Management's job is to keep 'em too busy to look for other jobs.

Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.

Why are lawyers not sworn to tell the truth like all the witnesses in a jury trial?

The next unpopular group to have its rights taken away should be illegal aliens.

Recessions are started by people who fear recessions.

If we can't understand what he's saying, he's not a genius.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

If God wanted us to be thin, food wouldn't taste so good.

Golf is a lot like taxes. You drive hard to get to the green and end up in the hole.

The law is a rule to the fool, but a guide to the wise.

Smile! It increases your face value.

Never fear shadows... they simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby.

I'm so hungry, I could almost eat health food.

Positive anything is better than negative nothing.

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.

These days you can either lead or be misled.

Middle age is when you are warned to slow down by a doctor instead of a policeman.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

It's just as much work to be normal as it is to be ourselves.

We belittle the homeless even though we're the ones who wake up to alarm clocks.

Misery is too much work.

Sometimes you don't realize that you're in prison until you get out.