You Really Are A Bad Cook If...
- Sunday, August 01, 2004
- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven.
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts your silverware.
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter.
- Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies.
- You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but by gosh, it even tastes better!
- You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat and brings back a doggie bag for YOU!
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk at Costco and Sams Club where you are on a first name basis as soon as you walk through their doors.
- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your microwave display reads "TILT!"
- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.
- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!
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