My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. ~ Rodney Dangerfield

My son complains all the time about headaches. I tell him all the time, "when you get out of bed, it's feet first!" ~ Henry Yougman

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then... answer the phone. ~ Rita Rudner

I am an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house!. ~One of the Gabor sisters