Life, the Universe and everything else has little meaning. . .

Women should not have children after 35. Really ... 35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
"CHECKOUT TIME IS 18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery.
There I was...surrounded by trees and bushes.

Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.