(As seen on many a t-shirt)

I childproofed my house, but they still can get in.

On the front: - 70 ain't old
On the back:  if u r a tree

I'm still hot.
It just comes in flashes now.

At my age, 'getting lucky', means finding my car in the parking lot.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short... make fun of it.

I'm not 60... $59.95 plus tax

Physically pffffffffffft

Buckle up.
Makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car!

I'm not a snob... I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world: I'm just here to open the cans!

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring: I may do a trick, yet.

We got rid of the kids.
The Cat was allergic...

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightening.
One brilliant flash, and its gone.

Every time I hear the dirty word, 'evercise" I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture

Live you life so that when you die, the preachers will not have to tell lies at your funeral