- Thursday, December 16, 2004
Myth # 1: Children Want to Sit on Santa's Lap.
Truth: I took our daughter to see the president of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance --- well, Santa Claus.
Our child didn't want to sit on Santa's lap, which can only mean one thing --- we're raising her right. I don't know about you, but we teach our child never to talk to strangers, especially if they offer you a gift. But Christmas season rolls around and we're like, "Honey, go sit on that man's lap and tell him what you want for Christmas." Our four-year old looked at us like, "Are you testing me?"
Have you witnessed parents dragging their children to see Santa? They're pulling the kid by the arms while the kid is digging his heels into the ground like a cat about to be bathed. "Sit on Santa's lap." The child's screaming, "No!" "Look! It's Christmas and you are going to march right on by that elf and sit on Santa's lap." "Noooooooooo!" "Come on!"
Pulling, dragging, screaming, kicking. "Nooooooooooooooooo!"
Oh, there's a lovely picture. What a Christmas memory to cherish --- crying on Santa's lap.
Myth # 2: Christmas Season Ends on Christmas Day.
Truth: There is a holiday the day after Christmas day called "Boxing Day." After spending a week with your relatives and in-laws, how appropriately named --- because if I have to spend another hour with you people there's going to be a "Head Butt Day".
Myth # 3: It's the Thought That Counts.
Truth: When it comes to Christmas gifts they always say it's the thought that counts. Yeah, until you notice a couple of your gifts came from The 99 Cent Store. It is the thought that counts. And when they buy you something cheap, that's what they're saying --- you're not worth much.
Myth # 4: The Younger You Are the More Gifts You Should Get.
Truth: You know what I don't like about the holidays? It's this rule of Christmas: the younger you are the more gifts you get. My sister's pregnant. The fetus has more presents under the tree than I do.
The kid doesn't even have feet yet, why does he need a stocking?
I tell you what a great gift for a newborn baby is --- a spice rack.
Hey, that's what they got the baby Jesus for Christmas --- frankincense, and myrrh? Come on, that's a spice rack. They might have been three wise men, but they were bad shoppers.
Myth # 5: Christmas Can Be Cancelled.
Truth: Every year, as it approached Christmas and our childhood behavior became more obnoxious my mother, finally at the end of her rope, would scream, "That's it! I'm canceling Christmas!"
"Wow, mom, that is some power you weld. If you have the power to cancel Christmas, Ma, maybe you can do something about all those starving children you tell us about at dinnertime? Use your power for good, Mom."
Myth # 6: Santa Purchased His Sleigh from Hans Solo.
Truth: My older brother Jimmy would stand with the back door slightly cracked and yell, "There he is! It's Santa Claus. Hurry! There he is! There he is! There he is! Come on!"
I'm making a mad dash for the door.
"There he is!" There's still hope. "He's in the sky."
I'm at the door.
"Oh, you just missed him!"
Apparently, Santa bought his sleigh from Hans Solo because I always just missed Santa and his warp speed sleigh. I fell for this five times a day. My brother would spot Santa and a millisecond before I get there --- he's gone. Completely vanished.
Myth # 7: Christmas Lights Are Harmless.
Truth: Christmas lights will kill you. Every Christmas season nearly 6,000 people visit emergency rooms because of decorative falls. I risk my life every Christmas season for my wife, because she thinks "they're pretty." So, for the sake of "pretty," I put my life on the line.
We have one wall on the outside of the house that's like twenty-five feet to the top . . . outside . . . on a ladder. Look, I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of falling from heights. That's what I'm afraid of.
The wind is shaking the ladder. There's a string of lights around my neck, a Christmas noose. My left leg is hugging the ladder while I hold a hook in my mouth, a drill in my left hand, a section of lights in my right and all I keep thinking is, "If I fall and break my neck, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive her."
I mean, if I'm paralyzed I want it to be for something good, something like, "Yeah, I saved a child."
Not because . . . "they're pretty."
Myth # 8: Santa Makes Children Feel Loved.
Truth: I appreciated Santa as a kid. I just didn't see the need for him. My parents had a closet full of toys. Who needs Santa Claus?
Still, I'd leave out cookies and milk for Santa and my dad would forget to eat them. I'd get up the next morning and find them completely untouched. "Santa rejected me!"
Why did Santa reject me so? Did he feel threatened by all the toys in my parent's closet?
"Oh, honey, he was probably just full."
"Look, he delivers all the presents in the world in one night, are you telling me he can't eat a few cookies?"
They weren't even homemade. They were Keebler. Can't he give them to his elves or is there some sort of elf rivalry?
Myth # 9: Santa Claus is a Capitalist.
Truth: Santa Claus is a communist propaganda tool gone awry.
Hear me out. Let's examine Santa Claus. First of all, red is all he wears.
He comes into your home uninvited --- that's called invasion.
He distributes material goods evenly.
He has an entire army of red workers who labor under unknown conditions.
Whenever he's in our airspace he's undetected.
I think it all adds up --- Santa is an old school commie.
Myth # 10: Reindeer Can't Fly.
Truth: Reindeer can fly, especially if you hit 'em with a pick-up. Boom! Right over the top of your vehicle!
Of course, the last and greatest myth is that Santa Claus doesn't exit. Santa Claus does exit because the soul is immortal. St. Nicholas was thus honored because of his care for poor children. Go this Christmas season and do likewise.
He who oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker, but whoever is kind to the needy honors God. Proverbs 14:31 NIV
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