Quotes from Real-life Managers

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.

What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter.

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.

This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.  

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."

We recently received a memo from senior management saying:  
"This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above."

One day my Boss asked for a status report concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"