How to Raise Sons When They Outnumber You
By: Whitney Hopler
Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
Mothers can often relate well to their daughters' familiar feminine behavior. But sons act in masculine ways that can seem foreign to moms. It can prove frustrating for mothers to try to understand just one son, and downright stressful if they have multiple sons.
If you're the mom of multiple sons, however, you don't need to panic that you're outnumbered. God stands ready to help you understand all the masculinity in your home and raise your sons well.
Here's how you can raise sons well when they outnumber you:
· Adjust your expectations. If you're expecting your sons to act like daughters, you're bound to be disappointed. Give your sons the freedom to be themselves, the way God made them - with all of their masculine traits, such as high-energy physical behavior. Choose to trust God's plan for your family life rather than your own, remembering that God will give you what you need - not necessarily what you expect or want - because He knows what's best to accomplish good purposes in your life. Ask God to help you change your expectations so that they line up with His will. Pray for the ability to look at your life from the right perspective so you can appreciate your sons as the gifts from God that they are. Spend time with God often in prayer, reading the Bible, and worshipping Him, so you can build the kind of close relationship with Him that will make it easier for you to trust Him. When each new day starts, expect that it'll probably be a wild ride for you as the mom of multiple sons, and then you'll be ready to deal with any situation that comes your way.
· Teach your sons to get along well with each other. Putting several boys together often means intense physical behavior, and sometimes conflict. So make it clear to all of your sons that they should never hurt their brothers, either physically or emotionally. If they start to fight, distract them with some type of new activity into which they can channel their energies in a healthier way. If they have sisters in the mix, teach them to treat them respectfully. Build unity among your sons by challenging them to work together on projects. Diffuse sibling rivalry by giving responsibilities and praise to each of your sons equally in age-appropriate ways.
· Nurture your sons. Don't make the mistake of thinking that your sons don't need you to nurture them just because they're boys. Boys need just as much nurturing from their mothers as girls do. If your sons have the benefit of loving relationships with you, they can grow into strong and secure men. So be intentional about nurturing them spiritually, physically, intellectually, and socially. Use your words and actions every day to communicate to your sons that God loves them, and so do you.
· Help your sons learn all they can. Encourage your sons to become lifelong learners. Make time to answer their questions thoughtfully, and help them discover the answers. Give them plenty of adventurous experiences such as trips to learn more about the world. Talk with them often what they're learning in school, and stay in contact with their teachers regularly. Give them a healthy balance between school work and free time for play, since they can learn a lot through their play.
· Help your sons communicate well. Share regular and meaningful conversations with your sons. The more they learn to talk and listen effectively with you, the better they'll be able to cope with the differences between male and female communication styles. Encourage your sons to talk often with each other, as well, to build strong brotherly bonds between them.
· Teach your sons good organization skills. Help your sons learn how to organize their time and space so they can live without the burden of unnecessary stress. Instead of doing tasks for them, teach them to do those tasks by themselves whenever possible. Give them responsibilities like chores that are appropriate to their ages. Then hold them accountable to complete the responsibilities you've assigned them, and praise for them doing a great job whenever they perform their tasks well.
· Teach your sons to use media wisely. Males are often drawn to media because it's visual and puts them in control when they use it. Help your sons avoid useless and harmful media content by teaching them to think critically about the kinds of messages they encounter through media like the Internet and TV shows. Then they'll be able to discern what's worth watching and listening to, and what's not. You can start teaching critical thinking skills to your sons when they're young and you're reading books together if you talk about each story's message and ask them to consider how it does or doesn't line up with biblical truth. Talk with your sons often about current events in the news, and encourage them to share their opinions about what's going on in the world.
· Teach your sons to respect themselves and others. Give your sons a proper understanding of authority, their own worth, and the importance of treating other people with respect despite their differences. Teach them good manners. Create relationships in their lives that will help them learn respect by getting them involved in volunteer work and activities like sports where they must as part of a team.
· Help them bond with their brothers. Encourage your sons to spend time together often, and avoid comparing them with each other so their sibling rivalry won't get out of hand.
· Get their dad involved. Work with your sons' father to accomplish the same parenting goals for your sons, help each other with challenges, and rejoice together in victories.
Adapted from I'm Outnumbered!: One Mom's Lessons in the Lively Art of Raising Boys, copyright 2010 by Laura Lee Groves. Published by Kregel Publications, Grand Rapids, Mich., www.kregel.com.
Laura Lee Groves is a high school English and drama teacher who has written for Moody Magazine, Focus on the Family's Focus on Your Child, Indianapolis Star, and Coral Ridge Ministries. She also has contributed to the upcoming Book Lover's Devotional and www.KindredHeartWriters.com. Laura and her husband, John, who have four sons, live in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. For more information, visit www.OutnumberedMom.com.
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Originally published September 10, 2010.
