7 Traits of Companionate Love
Most relationships begin full of passion and excitement. They burn brightly, with both people feeling energized and consumed with thoughts and feelings for the other person. Unfortunately for most, this passion is a “limited time offer.” To make the jump from passion to a long-lasting, successful relationship, a new kind of love is needed. Dr. Neil Clark Warren has coined the term “Companionate Love” to describe this healthy, steady, life-long emotion.
What are the features of companionate love?
1. An unselfish commitment to your lover’s happiness – “When you find that your lover’s needs and desires are as important to you as your own, genuine love is born,” explains Dr. Warren. This realization is the foundation for a long-term relationship.
2. An interest in the things your partner enjoys – In highly developed relationships the partners love each other so much that they begin to enjoy the things their partner loves. While this doesn’t mean a football-obsessed sports fan is going to take up needlepoint because his wife likes it, it does mean that he will develop an appreciation for the things she enjoys. Maybe even needlepoint.
3. A respect for space. A space for her, one for him and one for them – Dr. Warren points out, “Common interests are important, but equally important are individual interests.” Separate interests and hobbies allow both people to enrich their lives separately and, in turn, have more to offer the relationship when they are together.
4. A respect for quietness and solitude – Successful couples know that the key to individual happiness is cultivating deep inner thoughts and feelings. Each person must bear the responsibility for giving the other room to explore these inner regions.
5. A desire to share your real, authentic self with your partner – The love a couple shares is a direct reflection of their degree of authenticity. If only superficial things are known about us, we will be loved only superficially. A couple must be willing to reveal their deepest essence so that they can know each other completely.
6. A need for trust and trustworthiness – Trust is a relationship “non-negotiable.” To be trustworthy we must: have a genuine interest in our partner’s growth and success, keep promises and avoid compromises that may damage the relationship, and extend unconditional love.
7. A willingness to share dreams and plans for reaching them – Dr. Warren notes that, “Couples who dream great dreams together tend to love each other most. And when they strategize about how to reach their dreams, they are frequently the happiest.”
Passionate love comes on its own, with no direction or effort. Companionate love doesn’t work that way. It only happens when a couple decides to focus specifically on each other, to take their understanding to a deeper level. They overlook defects and focus on attributes. They learn to love each other for qualities that are basically unchanging. They begin to help each other solve problems and reach goals. This is what it really means to be “in love.”
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Originally published October 20, 2008.
