Make Your Arguments Work for Your Marriage
Pam and Bill Farrel
Arguments Can Be Allies
There are a few decisions that will make your arguments an ally in your life:
Decision #1: We Will Finish Every Argument
Make the decision to say, "We will keep the discussion going until we have rediscovered what we love about each other that is the real source of the argument." Few, if any, couples have the ability to say what the real issue is right up front. Generally, the argument starts over an emotional reaction. You will be much more successful if you take time to listen first.
Decision #2: We Will Deal with the Real Issues
Since so many emotional scars from the past come up in arguments, it is not wise to guess what the other person meant or intended. Instead of placing your guess at his or her motive on to the situation, ask, "Please explain to me what your thought process was on this."
Decision #3: We Will Get to the Truth
The place to start is with the statement: "Let's identify what the truth is about each of us." It is easy to allow emotions to escalate into harsh comments. Push pause and instead of reacting recall the person you first fell in love with. Go back and discuss this issue as if you are dialoguing with that person. Talk to your mate the same way you would if you were talking to a friend who called needing help. You'd give the help, but in a calm and measured way.
Decision #4: We Will Harness All That Emotional Energy
When an argument breaks out, it is good news because it means there is plenty of energy in the relationship to work with! Practice merging energy with compassion. Ask yourself, I wonder how long it will take for us to discover just how good our relationship can be in the midst of this disagreement. Learn to start arguments with the phrase: "There is something I love about you that is driving me crazy. Will you help me figure out what it is?"
Decision #5: We Will Decide on a Course of Action
When turmoil arises in your life, there may be nothing you can do, or there may be an obvious solution. In order to reach an agreement, follow this simple formula of Know, Feel, and Do.
Know. Describe what you know about the situation. Stick to the facts.
Feel: Describe how the situation makes each of you feel.
D Brainstorm ideas about what you each can do to resolve the conflict. Each of you write a list of ideas. Don't judge or evaluate, just list as many ideas as you two can think of. Then evaluate each option.
Decision #6: We Will Support Each Other Even if We Cannot "Fix" the Issue
The last step is to ask the question, Is this one of those situations that we have to adjust to because we cannot fix it? If so, ask yourselves, What can we do to grow in the midst of this challenge since this is going to require us to be at our best?
Your decisions could be the Golden Gate bridge over the troubled water into the promised land of lasting love.
For more on managing and solving conflict, see The First Five Years or The Marriage Code by Pam and Bill Farrel. The Farrels are international speakers and authors of over 30 books including the best seller, Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti. Go to www.billandpam.org for more free relationship articles and other helpful resources for marriage and family.
Originally published June 22, 2010.
