Merry Mixed Messages
From a young age, we hear confusing and often conflicting things about what it means to be a woman. Be attractive, but don’t be too sexy. Stand up for yourself, but don’t be a witch. Become anything you want to be, but be a perfect mother and housekeeper when the time comes. And the very magazines that purport to help us do all these things do nothing but confuse us even more.
Just this morning, I picked up one of my new holiday magazines and found the following juxtaposition. The wellness section had a lengthy article focused on “reducing stress by saving time and money this holiday season”. It discussed saying no to activities and putting a stop to holiday overdoing that moms usually fall prey to. Good stuff. I felt a bit calmer and more peaceful until I turned the page. It read, “Go the extra mile this year and make gifts more special!” The article went on to state, “Why just write the recipient’s name on a gift when adding a personalized photo makes them much more special? Simply scan a photo of the recipient, trim it, glue to a piece of trimmed cardstock, punch a hole, and tie with decorated ribbon or raffia.”
Are you kidding me? I’m struggling to remember what day it is and you want me to bust out the scanner and the raffia? Do I even need to tell you how ridiculous that thought is?
This holiday season, I am rebelling against the tide of mixed messages that come my way so well disguised. I am supplanting them with a ScreamFree message. It may seem like a mixed message itself upon first glance, but give it a chance to work it’s magic on you and you’ll never be the same. It is simply this:
Begin with the end in mind, but let go of the final results.
If we don’t take the time to come up for air and mindfully decide how we want this holiday season to happen, we will twirl around in the winds of Christmas chaos and wear ourselves out – plain and simple. It is our responsibility to our families to give them the best versions of ourselves. And that means not running ragged trying to be wundermoms. Think about it: what type of people do you really love to be around? Is it those who seem to have everything together in perfect harmony? No – admit it – you want to punch those people in the face. If you’re honest, you like to be around people who are real and genuine and who care more about being with you than they do about the impression they are making on you.
So this year, my gift to my family is a happy, grateful, peace-filled me. And I will give it to them by beginning my holiday season with the end in mind. I will thoughtfully go through my to-do list as well as I can WHILE remaining joyful. The minute I feel resentment or drudgery, I will either stop the activity altogether or I will ask for help. Then, once I’ve done my part - I will let go of the final result. I cannot control whether or not everyone around me has a perfect holiday. I can’t ensure that everyone will get along. I can’t do everything. And this year, I’m simply not going to try. Want to join me in this new quest for a new yule? Ok, here’s the plan:
1. Think ahead about how you really want this holiday to go down. Don’t bother with how you think the holidays should look or how you should do things. Be sure to plan for the things that YOU enjoy. Too often, moms leave themselves off of their Christmas lists and try to make everyone else happy. Trust me, that’s a great recipe for resentment, but not one for holiday cheer.
2. Start now by planning ahead to make your holiday come to fruition. Do what you can, little by little, to get things done ahead of time. Do NOT drive yourself crazy in order to do this – that is missing the point. The whole purpose of this exercise is to enjoy the whole holiday season and going 100 MPH now so that you don’t have to later is insane.
3. Set a realistic budget and talk about it openly with your friends and family. In fact, if you’re really feeling adventurous, set a cash budget so that the real gift that you give yourself is a debt free January. Instead of breaking the bank with small trinkets for everyone you know, set aside a day of baking with your kids and make homemade loaves of cranberry bread or chocolate covered pretzels to hand out. You’ll have fun and your peeps won’t have to find a place for that “adorable” talking Santa with the Hawaiian shirt you just had to buy them.
4. Create a rudimentary notebook of your holiday journey so that next year, you can remember what worked and what didn’t. Don’t go ballistic on this with tabbed dividers and detailed decorations lists, but do take just a moment while you’re IN the moment to jot down helpful tips you’re learning. After all, holidays are a little like childbirth, we tend to forget how hard they are when the next one rolls around. So, make good use of all of those magazines laying around your house telling you that you’re not good enough. Tear out the stuff you think applies to you and the things you’d like to try one day, pop them in your notebook and then recycle the rest.
Remember, messages are only mixed if you allow them to be. Before buying in to all the hype of the holidays and all of the stress of the season, decide what you will and what you will not take on. You can only control one person in this world and that person isn’t perfect, but she is fabulous nonetheless.
Have a ScreamFree (and Raffia Free) Holiday Season
Originally published November 21, 2008.
