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Bob Smiley - Road Rules. . . Or Does It?

  • Updated Feb 01, 2002
Bob Smiley - Road Rules. . . Or Does It?
by Bob Smiley, courtesy of {{Christian Musician}} Magazine

I just finished the "Chase the Sun" tour with the {{Supertones}} (motto: We obviously will let anyone tour with us!) Touring is great because you get to travel around and tell people about God. However, you also have to leave your family, friends and church behind. So, touring is kind of a mixed blessing. It's like getting a kidney transplant from a bedwetter... it has its drawbacks. Matt Morginsky and I did a radio interview one morning and were asked the question "What's touring like?" We both decided that touring is a lot like being in Junior High again. You don't have a car, someone else cooks your meals, you have a curfew, you get an allowance, you hang out at the mall a lot and body noises still get a really big laugh.

Basically, touring is tons of leisure time with a concert to close out the day. It's great. However, most people waste the time they have while out on the road. I, however, did not want to do that on this tour. I made up my mind (see: My wife told me) that this was going to be the tour I was going to start working out!

I have always been skinny. I weighed 119 pounds in high school. I looked like I went to a blood bank and forgot to say "when". I once told a girl I was a body builder. She looked at me and said, "Yes, but your building a dork." So, before the tour, I prepared myself. I bought eight pounds of Creatine, a muscle tee and 2 ten pound dumbbells (which my wife had to carry out of the store for me.) The following is a diary of my workout on the tour.

Day 1: I stood in front of a mirror without my shirt to take an honest look at the weak, milky-white, yet handsome creature that appeared before me. I was pleased to see nice pillowy lips, swimming pool eyes, great hair...then I noticed that someone had put a life size Leonardo Dicaprio poster over the mirror. I removed the poster and then fell into a deep depression and you can't work out when you are depressed.

Day 2: Still haven't taken off my muscle tee. I went to the front of the bus to work out but noticed there was a "Mr. Belvedere" marathon going on.... ALL WEEK!"

Day 9: "Mr. Belvedere" marathon was awesome... man, am I sleepy.

Day 10: My muscle shirt fits a little tighter now. Still haven't worked out but the theater's washing machine only washed in HOT.

Day 13: I was really determined to start my workout today. However, the building across the street from our show had Laser tag! You have to play Laser tag!

Day 15: Still nursing the cornea injury. They told us not to look into the end of our laser gun. If they hadn't said anything I wouldn't have even thought of it.

Day 18: Woke up feeling especially manly. There was determination in my eye (at least I think that's what it was...I've been meaning to ask my doctor about that.) I knew today was the day (nothing good on the Satellite and my skateboard was broken). I stretched, warmed up. I got down in prime push up position and began. Every muscle and nerve in my body working together, my heart and will were one. 20 minutes later my arms were killing me, sweat drenched my body, and my heart raced like a Christian in an Atheist chat room. At the end of the workout I let out a victorious cry, "10!" I did it! I had worked out. I felt great. I definitely earned the 6 HoHo's and 3 Twinkies I had that night.

Day 19: Woke up this morning to find my body consumed with a condition called "Turtleitis" where my body can now not move any faster than the rapid pace of a three toed Sloth. My pecks were throbbing like a Youth Pastor's eardrums after a Newsboy's concert. My arms simply dangled down the side of my body. I knew this only by looking down. I, of course, could not feel them. I could barely hold the microphone tonight during the show and since that is my livelihood naturally, I must give up this stupid exercise thing. Yes, that's what I will do. My mind is made up. . . I'm done and that's all there is to it! Maybe I can get one of the {{Supertones}} to call and tell my wife.