Four Empty Arms/Two Full Hearts
By Linda Gray
Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him, and He will act. Psalm 37:4-5 ESV
My plan for my life didn’t pan out the way I had expected. As a young woman, I envisioned my life as married with children by my mid-late 20’s. I even had names picked out. Yes, the whole white picket fence scenario.
Fast forward to May 18, 2002 which was our wedding day. I was well out of my 20’s and in the last year of my 30’s. But I still hoped for at least one child. So, after a year of marriage, my husband and I pondered the idea of seeing what would happen. We weren’t using any methods to prevent pregnancy, but we hadn’t started actively pursuing other measures to “make” it happen either.
So, after a few months of trying, I made an appointment with my ob/gyn. A few tests showed that there wasn’t a reason why pregnancy hadn’t taken place. And I was eligible to start fertility drugs.
We prayed about it. It may sound silly. But I know my personality. Once something settles into my “craw,” I’m like a dog with a bone. My focus is fixed on my desired outcome. And anyone that stands in my way may get trampled. That would include my husband.
I began to think of other couples in our predicament who now had children. But I also remembered the price some of them paid. Sadly, some of those couples sacrificed their marriage for a child.
I reevaluated the “why” of wanting a child. After all, they are blessings from the Lord. It’s the natural order of life, isn’t it?
Then I thought of my husband. The man with whom I promised to spend the rest of my life. Would he get lost in my shuffle to achieve the “perfect family?”
After much prayer, we decided that if God wanted us to have children, He would bring it about without medical intervention. It was then that I had to make sure that I loved my husband more than I loved the idea of having a baby.
I am well past my child-bearing years. And I have to be honest, I struggle with Mother’s Day. I cringe when I remember careless comments made by family members who, early into my marriage, asked if we were “trying.” As a childless woman, I often hear, “You don’t have children you wouldn’t understand.”
What I have to understand is God didn’t deem me too unworthy to be a mom. I am not less than because I have never given birth. What I do know is that although God didn’t bless my husband and me with children, He blessed us with time. And we want to use our time to bring glory and honor to Him.
This was God’s will for us. We rejoice with those whom God has blessed with children. At the same time, my heart goes out to those who have tried every method under the sun and still are childless. And if that’s you, take heart. God knows your cry and has a will for you.
But may we also guard our hearts and our love for our husbands. May we always love our husbands more than we love the idea of being a mom.
Father, may I always seek Your will. Remind me that Your ways are higher than mine. Amen.
© 2020 by Linda Gray. All rights reserved.
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