The Feeling Isn’t Mutual
By Justin Talbert
It happened again. That moment of realization.
Ohhh, I know what she’s doing. She’s initiating. She desires me. My wife wants sex. But, uh—I’m not feelin’ it right now. So … no thanks?
Ever been there? Turning down your wife’s advances?
Men, we’ve been told a narrative our entire lives that we’re the lions. Our sex drive should be higher than our wives’. We must initiate intimacy every time. This is what it means to be a man.
These lies are loud.
So let’s get something straight: to decline every once in a while is just fine.
But marital sex is a language. It’s a conversation. It’s worship. Therefore, it must be regular.
Yet nowhere in the Bible are we prescribed a number of times per week, or to say yes every time. There are days, even seasons, where sex just ain’t gonna happen. (Several weeks post-pregnancy, for example, or to pray; see today’s Good Stuff. If you’re personally facing medical challenges, openly talk with your wife and doctor.)
But a pattern = a problem.
Turning her down can cause…
1. Insecurity: Does he even want me? Am I still attractive to him?
2. Fear: Am I not beautiful to him? Is he receiving stimulation from somewhere else? Is he watching porn? Is there...someone else?
3. Anger: He has the energy to golf with friends this afternoon but not connect with me? Not trying anymore.
So admit you might not be feelin’ it … but you’re still needin’ it.
Our bodies were quite literally made for this. It’s almost like … God created it for our joy. Whoa.
Constant refusal is therefore unhealthy. Go ahead. Partake. (Whew, the sacrifice.)
Saying yes to sex tells her she is worthy, beautiful, and yours.
All of her.
The Good Stuff: For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:4-5)
Action Points: Do you feel yourself saying “no” more than “yes”? Talk to your spouse about what’s hindering you from heading to the bedroom. Too tired after a long day? Unresolved hurt? Talk about how you can help each other be more excited about the marriage bed.
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