How to Equip Your Church’s Men to Overcome Issues with Porn
- Chris Bolinger Crosswalk.com Contributing Writer
- Updated Mar 21, 2024
Most studies show that pornography use is a problem for many Christian men.
In his 16 years at Covenant Eyes, Sam Black has spoken to thousands of men who are caught in the strongholds of porn. “They appear to be functioning well in their work and in life,” he says. “But porn will lead you to places you never thought you would go, do things you never thought you would do, pay a price you never dreamed of paying, and hurt people in your life you never wanted to harm.”
With so many Christian men – and some women – struggling with the insidious effects of porn use, why are fewer than 10 percent of churches addressing the issue in a substantive way?
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Challenges of Addressing the Issue
To address an issue, you first must understand it.
Most Christian leaders, says Black, have only a cursory understanding of why some people struggle with porn more than others. Few understand the link between unresolved trauma and sexual addictions.
As a result, most discussions of sexuality in the church tend to focus on a one-size-fits-all solution: “just say no” to sinful behavior.
“But sexual addiction is an intimacy disorder,” says Jonathan Daugherty, founder of Be Broken Ministries. Full recovery requires not just changing one’s behavior but also learning how to form healthy relationships and maturing emotionally and spiritually.
To offer healing from unwanted sexual behaviors, a church must become a grace-based environment for recovery and discipleship, a place where people regularly practice the principles of James 5:16, confessing sins to each other and praying for each other.
That doesn’t happen in too many churches, especially for sexual addicts. “When the subject of porn comes up, guys get as quiet as church mice,” says Black.
Workload is another challenge. Even pastors who want to establish a ministry for sexual addicts may not have the time to do it. “When you’re overwhelmed with the plethora of needs of the congregation,” says Steve Etner of the Pure Man Ministry, “there’s just no way to prioritize sexual purity above other important issues.”
The Role of the Pastor
Fortunately, an overloaded senior pastor does not have to lead a church's effort to help men overcome issues with porn.
Most churches have one or more spiritually mature men with a strong desire to help their brothers in Christ overcome unwanted sexual behaviors. These men – who may have overcome sexual addictions themselves – can start, build, and lead a sexual integrity ministry.
Even if he is not leading the effort, the senior pastor still has a key role to play. “He sets the tone, establishes the culture, and supports the discipleship effort,” says Black. He also empowers the ministry leader or leaders to succeed, adds Daugherty.
Everything starts with prayer, says Etner. He recommends that pastors pray with a few other godly men every week, seeking God’s wisdom and direction. If the church doesn’t bathe a sexual purity initiative in prayer, Etner continues, the endeavor will fall short, leading to frustration and discouragement.
Providing visible and vocal support for the ministry, especially in its earliest stages, also is very important. That support includes ensuring that all staff members and lay leaders are “in the loop” on the ministry, how it operates, and how to help it succeed.
When pastors work with other leaders to institute a healthy sexual integrity ministry, everyone benefits, says Black. The pastor’s workload gets lighter. Church attendance improves, as does giving. The volunteer base gets stronger. And so does faith and commitment to the Body of Christ.
Ultimately, the success or failure of the ministry is likely to hinge on something that most pastors believe is extremely important, but few actually do.
Let’s Talk about Sex
Pastors have to speak openly about biblical sexuality from the pulpit, even if some church attendees object, says Dave Howe, who offers coaching for sexual purity. Daugherty agrees, adding that pastors should use “we” language instead of “you” language to reinforce the idea that all adults sometimes struggle to lead lives of holy sexuality.
A 2017 study conducted by Barna found that 92 percent of pastors believe that it is “extremely important” or “very important” for Christians to have a comprehensive biblical understanding of God's design for sexuality and relationships. But the same study revealed that only five percent of churches were highly intentional at teaching about sexual issues.
Because churches do not have a culture of openness about sexuality, any effort to begin speaking or teaching about the subject can seem daunting, says Daniel Weiss, founder of the Brushfires Foundation, which co-sponsored the Barna study. He recommends that pastors begin with a time of concentrated prayer to seek God’s guidance on themselves, their leadership teams, and their congregations. Each pastor needs to set up a team of support that can stand in unity when the pastor begins teaching and preaching about sexuality.
You don’t need to begin with a multi-month program, adds Weiss. Instead, “drop some breadcrumbs” in the middle of your sermons. For example, draw a parallel between a sinner in the Bible and sinners today, and remind everyone that the grace of Christ is available no matter what the sin. References can become more specific over time.
The Barna research reveals that, as pastors become more intentional in teaching and preaching about biblical sexuality, they are approached more by congregation members who need help with sexual problems. “When pastors speak openly, compassionately, and redemptively about sexual brokenness and God’s design for sexual wholeness, people feel safe to approach them and other church leaders,” says Weiss.
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Tools and Resources
Here’s a bit of good news for a church that seeks to equip its members for more holy sexuality: there are quite a few tools and resources available.
The leading software tool is an app that shares the name of its provider: Covenant Eyes. Initially offered only on Windows desktops and laptops when it made its debut in 2000, the software now runs on phones and tablets as well as Windows and Mac computers.
Before you begin using the software, you choose as an “ally” someone you know and trust to hold you accountable for your online behavior. The Covenant Eyes app tracks your activity on your devices, and a tandem app (called the Victory app) shares your activity feed to your ally’s phone. The software provider claims that over 1.5 million people have used the software to “experience victory over porn.”
Other tools and resources from a broad range of individuals and organizations include books and ebooks, courses, coaching, counseling, events, and speaking engagements. Many leaders in sexual integrity ministry speak to church groups and offer training to church leaders.
A challenge is connecting these leaders, as well as available tools and resources, with the people in your congregation who need help. For example, many men who have a secret struggle with porn will be reluctant to attend an event about porn addiction for fear of bringing their secret into the open.
One way to overcome that challenge, says Black, is to provide a series of classes to parents on how porn impacts children and how to protect their family. Parents appreciate the information shared, and adults who struggle with porn gain a comfort level that the church is willing to offer them help instead of judgment. Another option is to integrate a sexual purity discussion into an existing men’s event.
Tools and Resources Are Not Enough
Tools and resources alone are not a magic bullet.
Personal interaction is key, according to Howe. He recommends getting people – especially men – out of isolation and into conversations with other like-minded Christians. True healing is found only in community.
Daugherty concurs. “Resources and tools are certainly helpful for breaking free from unwanted sexual behaviors,” he says, “but since the goal is wholeness in Christ the primary emphasis needs to be on discipleship and forming healthy relationships that lead to maturity in character and service.”
“Without discipleship there can be no purity,” says David Jernander, who heads Quest Discipleship Ministries. Confessing sexual sins to God brings forgiveness, but the sin remains a secret, and continued secrecy breeds continued sin.
Citing James 5:16 (confessing your sins to one another) and Galatians 6:1-2 (restoring sinners and carrying each other’s burdens), Jernander says that churches need to be safe places of accountability. “When someone else knows about your struggle, he can hold you accountable, and he can pray for you,” Jernander says. “The end result is healing.”
Daugherty recommends integrating recovery resources into a church’s normal discipleship process and environments. All of us, he says, are on a restoration journey as Christians to be conformed to the image of Christ.
Weiss concurs. The best approach, he says, is not to single out and promote a specific sexual brokenness issue, such as porn addiction. Doing that inadvertently establishes an “us and them” mentality in the church, creates significant shame, and presents a major obstacle for people to get help.
Weiss would love to see churches openly acknowledge and normalize the fact that sexual brokenness is common for Christians. “Sexual integrity is something we must pursue together as a community of believers,” he adds. “Judgmental attitudes disappear when we sit compassionately with our brothers and sisters.”
With this approach, addicts don’t just overcome addictions; they are discipled to a life of greater wholeness and sanctification. “When God does a restorative work on a person’s heart, it doesn’t end with the presenting problem that was so concerning,” says Black. “God brings new life through the Body of Christ.”
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