Are You Expecting Too Much from Friendships in the Church?

Kelly-Jayne McGlynn CrosswalkHeadlines Contributor
Published Jun 23, 2023

Relationships, in general, are hard. Relationships in the church, unfortunately, are just about as hard as relationships outside the church. One thing that makes them even harder, though, is unrealistic expectations of how quickly and deeply we should be able to bond with other members of our church, because we’re supposed to be family!

I have personally been on both sides of this. I have been hurt by people who I didn’t feel like were reciprocating my efforts to become close friends–and I have had hurt expressed to me because of the same thing. A card goes unnoticed, a coffee date remains surface level, or a “how are you doing?” text is forgotten about completely. We can feel like if our invitations aren’t met with equal effort, we can quickly feel disappointed and rejected on a really deep level.

But what I think might be behind this dynamic–besides our own human need to be loved and seen–is a belief that because we’re brothers and sisters in the faith, that means that deep relationships are a given. We hear from the pulpit and in small groups how we are all family. And I think it can create an expectation that others should be close to us and trust us just because we go to church together and that we should automatically trust everyone around us, too.

But the thing is, we’re still human, and human relationships don’t work automatically like that. But the good news is, our common faith in Jesus gives us such a head start!

What Does It Mean to Be Brothers and Sisters in the Faith?

The Greek noun for “brethren” is used 145 times in the New Testament. Although it may specifically refer to men in certain contexts (like in 1 Timothy 5:1), it refers to both male and female believers, or “brothers and sisters.”

It is such a special thing to be brought into the family of Christ. John 1:14 tells us that Jesus gave us the right to become children of God. Psalm 68:6 tells us that God places the lonely in families. Hebrews 2:11 tells us that Jesus himself is our brother! This is truly an amazing thing that we get the privilege of being welcomed into the family of believers.

What is even more revolutionary about this fact is that in the historical context of the Bible, Jews, and Gentiles were completely separate peoples. Jews did not associate with Gentiles, to the point of avoiding eating with them. So the fact that Jesus brings these peoples together, to become one under him–neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor male and female–is a huge deal (see Galatians 2:11-14, 3:28).

Uniting opposing people is something only Jesus could do. The common ground we share because of Jesus’ sacrifice sets us up for deep, lasting, and wonderful friendships. But it doesn’t happen overnight.

Just like we’re not automatically best friends with everyone that lives in our country, or best friends with every one of our extended family members, we’re not automatically going to be best friends with everyone in our church.

This would be great, and maybe this will be true of us in heaven, but as it stands on this earth, new relationships still take 3 things: Time, trust, and speaking their love language.

1. Give Your Relationships Time

I’ll be honest; I can only handle one or two unreciprocated invitations before I feel hurt and rejected by someone and give up completely.

But when I think of where I was in my life when other women had been hurt by my lack of reciprocation, I see how unfair it is for me to expect instant friendship from anyone. When others have reached out to me in the past during times of extreme overwhelm, it was like I had a mental filter on that threw their texts completely off my radar.

It wasn’t personal, it was just that I was worried about my own burdens, responsibilities, emotions, and health. And the same can be true of any time that I reach out to someone to get coffee or take a walk. They might just not have the capacity right now–or even if they do, and we hang out once, it might not be enough to forge the kind of friendship I’d love to have right off the bat.

Relationships take persistence, multiple points of contact, familiarity, and vulnerability. All of these aspects take time, whether or not they are your brother or sister!

Thankfully, we have the most important thing in common with our family of believers, so it might not take as much time as it would if you were building a relationship with someone outside of the church. But expecting friendship right away will only leave you disappointed and bitter.

Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Sarah Mason

2. Allow Trust to Develop

Intricately related to time is trust. Although the more time you spend with someone, the more likely it is that they will trust you, this isn’t always the case.

You could spend weeks with someone and not have one genuine conversation. Conversely, you could have one genuine conversation with someone, but they might not trust you yet because you haven’t proven yourself through the test of time!

When we’re honest with ourselves, we know that relationships are actually really scary. We’re afraid of rejection, and many, if not all of us, have been burned by relationships before.

Tim Keller puts it this way: “To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

This kind of unconditional love must be demonstrated over and over if someone us to open up to us. And although we are called to love one another in this way (1 Corinthians 13:4-7), we all know people in the church who haven’t loved us perfectly and have made it harder to trust others in the future.

Just like it takes time and trust for you to open up to others, it will take time and trust for others to open up to you. So don’t rush it. And don’t fault anyone for not trusting you yet–if you strive to love them like Jesus, and not pressure them to open up before they’re ready, they will.

3. Find Out Their Love Language and Speak It

I had an “aha!” moment with my husband recently, and it all had to do with a McDonald’s milkshake. Every March for St. Patrick’s day, they put their Shamrock Shake back on the menu, much to my husband and I’s delight. We’re obsessed.

So, one day, we were driving back from dinner with friends, and he takes an unexpected fast turn into the McDonald’s drive-through. Why?

In his head, it was to get me a milkshake, to go out of his way to love me. But in my head, it was him who he was getting one for!

I realized that my brain just literally didn’t pick up on this act of love, because it’s not my love language. I rely on words of affirmation to really understand how someone feels about me. But his love language is acts of service. As a result, we later got into a fight because I felt like he wasn’t being loving towards me, even though he totally was.

And it made me wonder, how many times have I tried to make a new friend by loving them through my love language, instead of theirs? And gotten hurt when they haven’t gotten the message?

Of course, we can all grow in understanding and appreciating when other people are loving us, regardless of if it’s the “right” way that we best receive it. But when I am reaching out to a new friend who a) doesn’t know me, b) could be overwhelmed by their own life, and c) doesn’t receive love in a way that I like to give it, the chances of us bonding and becoming fast friends like I’d want is pretty low.

The chances of me becoming disappointed and bitter, without understanding this, however, is pretty high. But it’s on me to make sure that I am loving them in a way that they can receive it, especially at the beginning of our relationship.

If you don’t feel like someone is reciprocating much after asking to get quality time with them, for instance, switch tactics. Write them a nice card to share words of affirmation or offer to help them with their kid’s carpool to gift them an act of service. And if you’re still not getting anywhere, just ask them how they best feel loved!

This will set you up for success and make them feel extra loved that you bothered to ask.

So, are we all brothers and sisters with the people in our church, and in the Church universal? Yes! And this is such a magnificent thing! This means that we have everything important in common which sets us up for deep familial bonds.

But thinking that someone is obligated to be close to you because of this fact will only cause the opposite to happen. Let’s shift this aspect of church culture and instead, truly love others with patience and kindness, like we’re called to.

The views expressed in this commentary do not necessarily reflect those of CrosswalkHeadlines.

Kelly-Jayne McGlynn is a former editor at Crosswalk.com. She sees the act of expression, whether through writing or art, as a way to co-create with God and experience him deeper. Check out her handmade earrings on Instagram and her website for more of her thoughts on connecting with God through creative endeavors.