7 Signs You Might Be a Controlling Person
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- Updated May 23, 2024
Some years ago, I wrote a brief book to help readers deal with difficult individuals because, well, the world is teeming with them.
Like people who like to control everything and everyone, for instance.
It may be tempting to argue another person we know fits the bill, but this article asks the uncomfortable question—what if we are that bossy individual?
This is a difficult proposition to entertain. I get it. For one thing, if you have a niggling awareness that you can be pushy, there’s probably a real resistance to asking those around—family, friends, colleagues—for confirmation.
Who wants to hear them snicker—as you see DUH! written in their expression?
Since it’s hard to find an impartial observer who can verify whether or not we are controlling, the best way to discern the answer is by doing an honest self-assessment.
Which is why I’m issuing a fair warning: this article will trudge into some tender areas.
I don’t wish to heap shame or blame. Every time I write, my intention is to edify. Since there are exponentially many more souls I can help through my articles than through my psychology practice—at least in theory—I dedicate all my writing endeavors to facilitating wholeness and healing.
So, here’s a proposal.
Let me apologize in advance if anything you read here triggers you. However, remember that you can pause and intentionally breathe. Deep breathing is a reliable practice to resort to any time you feel triggered, including while reading this piece.
I’m sneaking in a few deep breaths too.
Ready?
You may be a controlling person if any of the following resonates.
1. Continual Tension
How frequently do you find yourself smiling? What about slowing down or enjoying the day? Does laughter seem like a relic from bygone days?
If your mood usually dips into the negative range, investigate inwardly. Could it be you’re often irate or tense because of others?
Let me be more specific.
Are there individuals you disapprove of—complete with a list of actions they did or didn’t do?
Check if deep down, your frustration with them has to do with a wish to control their behavior.
2. Liberal with Criticisms
Are you quick to let your relatives know whenever they fail your expectations? Is your tongue bent on criticizing? Do you feel the impulse to inform others about the weakness of their choices, whether it’s about something frivolous or weighty with eternal significance, like selecting the right church?
Consider how “fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions” (Proverbs 18:2).
Nobody enjoys being called a fool, so let’s make sure we don’t find a home in this verse.
According to this particular Proverb, fools are people with zero interest in understanding the whys behind others’ actions. They’re only invested in broadcasting their own perspectives, including why the other is wrong.
Instead of criticizing, try being curious about why so-and-so decided to do life differently than you.
3. Few Friends
This is one of the most obvious signs you might have a habit of controlling others. God Himself gave us free will because the freedom to choose is vital to our existence. Nobody likes to be told what to do.
So, if you’re accustomed to micromanaging those around you, don’t be surprised if those you’ve befriended eventually ghost you, or if your colleagues distance themselves from you.
4. Angry Outbursts
Since nobody relishes being controlled, your effort to tell another what to do will likely meet resistance—which, in turn, might fuel your anger.
But if you tend to erupt if angry outbursts, don’t be surprised if your body also suffers in the process, as the next point shows.
5. Physical Challenges
Do you deal with physical challenges on a regular basis? It could indicate a problem with anger. Studies have shown how anger can lead to:
- Diabetes
- Consuming a higher caloric intake
- Drinking excessive soda and caffeine
- Binging and purging.
In addition, one book explains how anger breaks the body down by increasing health risks for hypertension, stroke, and coronary heart disease. The effects of anger on the body are similar to those of smoking.
And if you’re married, getting into just a 30-minute argument with your spouse will add one whole day to the time it takes for your physical wound to heal.
6. Strained Relationships
While others have the liberty to walk away, family doesn’t. Therefore, your relatives may still lend you their help—say, in a crisis—regardless of your tendencies. But it doesn’t mean things are rosy.
If you have truly been bossy, they might keep their distance from you or strive to keep communications to a bare minimum.
Are you in a serious relationship? A controlling tendency predicts frequent fights for you and your significant other. While you may attribute these rifts to your partner’s flaws, it’s also possible that being domineering is destabilizing your relationship.
7. Offended by This Article
My standard practice is to rewrite and ruthlessly review all of my articles at least a handful of times prior to submitting them. Every piece I’ve authored, including this one, has to survive the brutal protocol before the world—including my editor—is allowed access to it.
I’ve strived to scrub this article from sharp words or injurious innuendos.
Even so, I’d be the first to concede that it’s possible I didn’t speak the truth in love enough (Ephesians 4:15).
Again, if I hurt you, I apologize.
But might it also be possible you’re upset because the words here hit home? To quote the apostle Paul, “Can it be that I have become your enemy for telling you the truth?” (Galatians 4:16, GWT).
The Path of Less Control
If you realize you’ve been a controlling person, there’s hope.
You can change.
However, you need to cultivate such change. Brace yourself; this process won’t bear fruit overnight. Still, even if it will take some time, your relationships are apt to fare better. People will respond to you with more smiles than sarcasm. Your overall health—physical and mental—will likely improve.
Unsure how to become less controlling?
Consult God. He has promised to give us wisdom if we lack it (James 1:5). Pray about why you’ve tried hard to control your world and what you can do moving forward. Did something happen earlier in life that threatened your sense of safety? Perhaps you’ve learned to compensate by always striving to exercise control. If so, ask the Lord to heal this initial injury.
Having said the above, this article is toothless to truly diagnose you. To get an actual read— whether or not you tend to be controlling—make an appointment with a psychologist. This professional can not only help you understand the controlling parts of your personality, but also offer you a roadmap toward living with more freedom.
May I arm you with a tip? I have seen the power of Internal Family Systems (IFS) to transform lives. As such, I highly recommend therapists who are certified in this modality. Head to the IFS Institute website if you’re intrigued.
Whether you choose to hire an IFS therapist or not, I’m cheering you on.
Here’s to a less controlling—and more contented—life!
Photo Credit: ©GettyImages/Shutter2U
