Marriage Advice From A Christian Perspective

How to Find the One Who Your Soul Loves

  • Rhonda Stoppe Speaker and Author
  • 2020 5 May
happy couple on a mountain

I have found the one whom my soul loves. Song of Solomon 3:4

What is a soul mate––and do they really exist? While the Bible doesn’t necessarily teach that there’s only one person for each of us, it does talk about finding a mate for your soul. There is a type of love that knits together as one the very souls of two people (see Malachi 2:15).

King Solomon’s wife describes finding him––the mate for her soul: I have found the one whom my soul loves. Song of Solomon 3:4

Taking a peek into the Song of Songs almost feels like you’re reading something too intimate to be shared. And yet, God included this poetic book in the Bible to show us how true love in marriage is honorable to the Lord. Reading through the Song of Songs, one cannot help but understand, and long for, the depth of such intimate oneness expressed in this biblical account.

I find it refreshing to consider how this type of love actually pleases to The Lord. And it is almost too vast to ponder how, through the bonds of matrimony, God knits two souls together as one.

In my own marriage of 38 years, God’s hand has been evident in knitting our souls together as one. It is a mystery and blessing too much to comprehend or even explain.

So, how do you find this type of love? If you are single, consider your motivation. God’s purpose in knitting souls together as one is not just so you can live happily-ever-after.

Rather, God is interested in helping you find someone who will help you grow in your relationship with Him, and service to Christ.

I know, I know, that may feel like I just took the romance right out of your hopes for true love. But when you think about it, what could be more romantic than falling in love with someone who God will unite with your very soul––for His Kingdom purposes?

God intends to use a married couple’s deep love and unity to draw others to know Christ.

But, how do you find the one who your soul loves? Let’s consider the following insights:

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1. Let Truth Be Your Guide to Love

1. Let Truth Be Your Guide to Love

I’m often asked, “How can I know God’s will for a spouse?” While it seems to make sense to weigh out the pros and cons to come to find a mate, if this is your only method for finding “the one” you're best bet, is just that––your best bet.

Rather, if you saturate your mind with Truth God will be faithful to guide you toward His good, acceptable and perfect will for your life––in all areas of life, including finding a mate if this is His plan. Consider God’s promise in Romans 12:1-2 , “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good, acceptable and perfect will of God.”

2. Be Equally Yoked

To truly find one with whom your soul can be united, you must find a spouse who also has a relationship with Christ.

When someone is made alive unto Christ through salvation, they're filled with the Holy Spirit. With new life in Jesus, Believers are blessed with the ability to love others with Christ’s, Agape’ love.

Stay with me here, because this is important. If you marry someone who’s not a Christian, no matter how hard they try, they’ll never be able to love you with God’s unconditional, selfless love.

Take it from someone who’s been married for 38 years, there’ll be times in marriage when you’ll need someone who is capable of loving you with God’s deep love.

Consider another advantage to finding a Christian mate for your soul. The same Spirit that indwells you, is also in them, so God joins your souls together in a supernatural way.

How cool is that? God is the one who is the author of marriage. He is the one who wants married couples to walk in love and unity. And He gives His Spirit to knit hearts together in love for Christ and for each other. But if you marry an unbeliever, you forfeit this blessing.

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godly couple by the cross

3. Walk by the Spirit

If you walk by the Spirit, you will not gratify the desires of the flesh (Galatians 5:16 ESV). I kind of feel like a broken record here because I regularly make reference to the importance of walking in purity when you’re looking for a mate.

But in more than 30 years of ministry, I’ve seen the consequences couples pay when they disobey God’s command to keep themselves sexually pure.

Here’s the scenario: You meet someone who you’re attracted to. As you spend time together, you connect on an emotional level. You have the same goals, and understand one another.

Maybe you’re both Christians, so that’s a plus too. Then, as your attraction becomes stronger and your purity slips. You justify it by telling yourselves “we are going to get married one day anyway.”

What many couples don’t recognize is how that act of disobedience changes everything. The Bible says to keep in step with the Holy Spirit, not grieving the Spirit (Galatians 5:25, Ephesians 4:30). When one willfully sins against God, whether a sexual sin or any other rebellion, they exchange their ability to recognize the leading of the Spirit.

That means forfeiting God’s guidance to find a soul mate.

Think of it, why make the most important decision of your life without the help of God’s guidance? That’s terrifying––right? Trust me, you want God to lead you to a godly spouse.

First Samuel 16:7 warns, “Do not look on his appearance or on his height or stature… For the Lord sees not as a man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart." 

God knows the heart of a person. Only He can give you show you if someone will help you in your walk with Christ. Which brings me to my next point…

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 4. Observe the Fruit of Their Life

 4. Observe the Fruit of Their Life

A Christian should display the fruit of the Spirit. So, humbly and prayerfully consider the person’s character. Do they display godly fruit?

Galatians 5:22 says, “The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.”

Now, before you become prideful about your own display of godliness, you should humbly ask God to help you examine your own heart. Pray as the psalmist, “Search me Oh God and know my heart, try me and know my anxieties. And see if there is any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Psalm 139:23-24).

Remember, Jesus said, “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:5).

While you’re observing a potential mate, keep yourself in step with the Spirit so that your character displays good fruit. It’s easy to observe the failure of others, yet completely miss your own lack of fruit. You would do well to become a godly soul mate who God might entrust to one of His servants.

5. Look for a Person Who Serves Christ

The goal of our lives is not to pursue our own happily-ever-after story. The truth is, the story is all about Him–– it is His-story. And with every generation, God raises up those He entrusts to continue His story of redeeming the lost.

God calls each one of us to serve Christ, and He grants us spiritual gifts to do so. When you’re searching for a soul mate, rather than taking a time out from serving Christ, ask Him to give you the zeal to serve Him.

And, if while you are serving the Lord you notice someone who is helping you in your ministry, or running just as zealously for God’s Kingdom, they just might be the one He would have you serve Christ with for the rest of your life.

Consider Suzanne and Kevin’s story. Suzanne had waited for years to get married. She’d watched all of her college friends wed and start their families. At times her loneliness was almost too much to bare. But Suzanne continued to serve the Lord in children’s ministries.

One day, she met a coffee barista who happened ask her about the colorful bracelet she had on her wrist. Suzanne explained how she had made 40 bracelets to hand out at Vacation Bible School. When Kevin responded that he was going to be a children’s pastor, Suzanne’s heart fluttered as she pondered, Could he be the one? And in fact, he was!

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 6. Ask God for Wisdom and Discernment

6. Ask God for Wisdom and Discernment

James 1:5 says, “If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.”

Rather than relying on your own feelings––which are unreliably fickle, seek the Lord’s wisdom to help you discern a godly mate.

To show how God gets involved in matchmaking, there’s a fun story in Genesis chapter 24. Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for his son, Isaac. Can you imagine if your dad sent his servant to go fetch a spouse for you?

Anyway, the servant understood the awesomeness of his task, so He asked God to help him discern who He would have become Isaac’s wife. Please note, I don’t suggest you follow this example of asking God for a sign. I’ve known too many people who thought God gave them a sign in their mate quest. Only to regretfully learn later that they may have misinterpreted, or manipulated circumstances to point to signs of marriage.

You can, however, learn from the servant’s example when he asked for prayed: “Oh LORD God of my master Abraham, please give me success this day, and show kindness…”

7. Seek Godly Counselors

The book of Proverbs says there is safety in a multitude of counselors (see Proverbs 11:4, 24:6). And Proverbs 15:22 says, “Without counsel plans go awry, but in a multitude of counselors they are established. So, take to heart this biblical advice to invite godly counselors into your dating life. 

For some that might mean looking listening to godly parent’s opinions about the one to whom they may be attracted. For others, it may mean finding a godly friend in your church who walks in God’s wisdom.

For example, when at church Allison, a single mom, met Sean, a new believer, she didn’t want to rely on her own feelings of attraction. She’d already gone that route and the results were disastrous.

So, when Sean started showing interest in Allison they began meeting with their pastor. For more than a year the couple met with godly leaders to grow in their walk with Christ, and to discern whether marriage would be something He would honor.

When Sean was finally ready to ask Allison to be his bride, both believed the Lord would bless their union. And blessed He has, while even a decade into their marriage they continue to seek godly marriage mentors for their relationship.

Finding your soul’s mate is something of a mystery. Proverbs 30:18-10 describes it this way:

“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand: The way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden.” 

There is nothing more fulfilling than being married to the one whom your soul loves (Song of Solomon 3:4). If you’ve been waiting a long time for God to bring the right one along, don’t lose heart. I promise His best is worth the wait!

While you wait, remember, if you genuinely want to find a mate who’s soul is knit together with yours, let God’s Truth be your guide, be equally yoked with one who loves and serves Christ, walk in the Spirit, look for spiritual fruit (in their life while, growing it in your own), ask God for wisdom and rely on godly counselors.

In Rhonda’s book Real Life Romance, you can read the rest of Susanne & Kevin and Allison & Sean’s love stories––and many others!


Rhonda Stoppe is the NO REGRETS WOMAN. With more than 30 years experience of helping women  build no regrets lives. I could have listened to Rhonda talk all night, is what women say about Rhonda’s enthusiastic, humorous, transparent teaching, and zeal as an evangelist. 

She’s committed to fulfill the Titus 2:4 commission by mentoring, teaching and writing books that are inspiring, grounded in Scripture and easy to read––like you're visiting with a friend over coffee. 

Rhonda is the author of 6 books and appears on numerous radio programs including: Focus on the Family, Family Life Today and Dr. James Dobson’s FamilyTalk, & hosts The No Regrets Hour. She’s an evangelist and speaker at women’s events, College Women’s Chapel, Pastor’s Wives Conferences, MOPs and Homeschool Conventions. Sharing the gospel at her NoRegretsWoman Conference is her sweet spot. Rhonda is a regular contributor for Crosswalk and many other magazines.

Rhonda ministers alongside her husband Steve, who for 20 years has pastored First Baptist Church of Patterson, California.  They live out their own Real Life Romance writing books and speaking at their No Regrets Marriage Conferences, but their favorite ministry is their family. They have four grown children and 10 grandchildren. To learn more about Rhonda’s speaking topics, watch her teaching and to book Rhonda for your next event visit: NoRegretsWoman.com.

Bonus: Watch this fun video of Steve & Rhonda sharing their own Real Romance story.

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