How to Find a Marriage Mentor
You can find marriage mentors within your family, acquaintances, or church family.
You might know them well already, or you might not know them personally at all yet. Your previous interactions don’t matter. What’s important in finding a marriage mentor is looking for a couple of integrity, faith, and compassion who’s willing to invest in your life.
Observe people and ask friends whom they would trust to give them advice.
Here are some things that you might want your marriage mentors to have or be:
1. Strong Christian faith and knowledge of the Bible’s truths
2. A ministry of service at a church
3. Evident joy and happiness with one another’s company
4. Respect and honor for one another: they don’t criticize, demean, mock, ignore, or dismiss one another’s opinion or presence
5. Family harmony and peace; their children (if they have kids) are generally obedient and respectful to them
6. Interpersonal wisdom; they treat their children, friends, and employees with love, patience, and kindness, even when those people are difficult
7. A good reputation among acquaintances and friends
8. A work ethic of integrity, honesty, and diligence
9. Compassionate and empathetic listeners, self-controlled, and not easily influenced
10. Fun; you enjoy your time together; you have similar interests or desires; you “get” each other
How to Ask a Couple to Become Your Marriage Mentors
If you and your spouse have determined that you want to be mentored in your marriage, first pray about whom God would have influence you.
Begin to notice families or couples in your church or in your circle of relationships who glorify God in their marriages. Watch for honesty, integrity, and authenticity.
Many couples, especially Christian couples, work at presenting a “perfect-couple” front. These will not make good mentors. Mentorship requires humility as well as experience. You need an authentic example to follow, a couple who’s willing to share their struggles and admit their mistakes.
Wisdom comes through failure and discipleship, not through doing everything right. (Proverbs 1:5-7)
Second, take your top choice to dinner and notice if you have a natural rapport with them. Ask them about their personal discipleship and about how they’ve built a strong marriage.
If they’re passing your test with flying colors, ask them if they’d be willing to mentor you in your marriage. Give them time to pray about it.
Often in these situations, God has already been speaking to the mentor couple about you, so don’t be surprised if they ask you first or accept your request on the spot!
Third, discuss a relational yet intentional approach to building an atmosphere of accountability and discipleship with your mentors.
A good rule of thumb for a couple who’s not in marital crisis is to establish monthly meetings. For example, the husbands and wives could meet separately once per month; then all four of you could go to dinner together once a month or perhaps quarterly to catch up and share the changes that are taking place in your marriage.
As your relationship grows closer, you might plan a short getaway or other fun, relational activities.
However, a couple who’s in marital crisis should meet with a professional counselor until they have begun practicing healthy marital habits before asking marriage mentors to enter into an accountability relationship.
Photo Credit: ©Unsplash/Ben White