How to Know If You're a Helicopter Parent and Why That's Harmful
Have you ever caught yourself constantly stepping in to help your child — even when they didn’t ask for it? If so, you may be a helicopter parent. While it’s natural to want to protect your children, this parenting style can actually do more harm than good.
In this article, we’ll break down what helicopter parenting really is, how to recognize the signs, and, most importantly, how to take a step back in a healthy, faith-filled way.
What Is Helicopter Parenting?
We’ve all heard the term “helicopter parent” — or maybe even “bulldozer parent” — and by now, we know this approach isn’t exactly what’s best for our kids. But let’s be honest: it can be really hard not to step in when we see them struggle. Our Mama and Daddy Bear instincts kick in, and we just want to protect them from every hurt, hardship, and hiccup.
And I get it — I’ve been there. I am just as guilty as the next person at creating too much comfort for my kids. I’ve really had to work to make sure my kids get the chance to practice experiencing failure and responsibility. I literally have had to train myself to ask my kids to help, rather than completing every task for them.
When they’ve had trouble with school work, I’ve had to leave the room at times, so I didn't immediately help them solve the problem. When they’ve experienced conflicts with friends, I’ve had to force myself to step back for a moment, so they would have the chance to solve the problem on their own. It takes intentionality in today’s world to not be a parent who removes all the obstacles for their child.
Failure is one of life’s greatest teachers, and when we constantly remove the obstacles, we rob our children of valuable opportunities to grow.
So, what exactly is helicopter parenting?
Helicopter parenting goes past our normal and healthy desires to protect and be involved in the lives of our children. The best way to describe it would be a hyper-involvement in your children’s lives.
Typically, that involvement aims to remove all the possibilities of harm and shield your child from potential failures. You “hover” over your child’s world in hopes to keep them safe from all possible discomfort.
According to Parents.com, "helicopter parent" was first used in Dr. Haim Ginott's 1969 book Parents & Teenagers. Surprisingly, the term was coined by teens who said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter. Now the term is so well-known it was entered into the dictionary in 2011. We’ve since added more terms to describe similar parenting phenomena, such as "lawnmower parenting," "cosseting parent," or "bulldoze parenting."
This style of parenting is overly focused on our kids and many times parents take too much responsibility for the actions of their children. Helicopter parents “over parent” they are overprotective, overcontrolling, and over-perfecting of their children’s lives. It is in many ways too much good parenting!
Helicopter parents often hover because they are anxious or fearful about possible outcomes their child may face and how they would be able to navigate them on their own. Sometimes when the parent felt unloved when they were a child, they may work to overcompensate with their own kids.
Helicopter Parents may also feel peer pressure from other parents; seeing the tendency of other parents to intervene often can make them feel they need to do the same for their kids.
Signs You're a Helicopter Parent
One of the hardest things about parenting is knowing where the line is between being involved and being over-involved. Most of us are just doing the best we can — loving our kids, protecting them, helping them succeed. But at what point does our help turn into hovering?
The truth is, recognizing “overparenting” in ourselves isn’t easy. We’re wired to step in when we see our kids struggle. That instinct is strong — and not necessarily wrong! But too much intervention can hold our children back from learning, growing, and developing the resilience they need for life.
Helicopter parenting can show up in different ways depending on your child’s age. Here are some common signs, broken down by stage of development:
Toddlers & Preschoolers
This is often where it begins. We try to prevent every bump, fall, or frustration — even in completely safe environments.
Signs you might be hovering:
Not allowing your toddler to run or explore in hazard-free spaces
Preventing solo play, even when you’re nearby
Intervening in every toddler disagreement before they even try to sort it out
Asking teachers for constant updates or worrying excessively about milestones
Of course, toddlers do need supervision — choking hazards and chaos are real! But they also need space to try, fail, and try again. Believe it or not, letting them struggle to put on socks or pour their own juice (even if it gets messy) can help build confidence and reduce tantrums in the long run.
Elementary-Age Kids
As kids grow, they’re ready to take on more responsibility, but helicopter parenting often keeps them from doing so.
Signs you might be hovering:
- Doing their homework or school projects for them
Jumping in to solve friendship issues instead of letting them work it out
Micro-managing their schedules, activities, and decisions
Not allowing them to feel disappointment, boredom, or failure
It’s completely normal to want to help when they hit a roadblock. But if we’re always stepping in before they ask — or before they’ve even had the chance to try — we might be doing too much.
Teens and Young Adults
This is the stage where independence becomes even more important, and often even harder to give.
Helicopter parenting in the teen/young adult years may look like:
Contacting teachers, professors, or employers on their behalf
Making college or career decisions for them
Solving roommate disputes or adult challenges without involving them
Shielding them from consequences like missed deadlines or financial responsibility
Teens and young adults need to feel capable of managing their lives. If we don’t let them experience both success and failure, we unintentionally send the message that they’re not ready — or not trustworthy — to navigate life on their own.
Are You Hovering?
Ask yourself:
Am I stepping in before I’ve been invited?
Am I trying to control the outcome instead of letting them learn?
Am I afraid of what might happen if they struggle?
If you answered “yes” to any of those, take a breath. You’re not alone, and you’re not a bad parent. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward creating space for your child’s growth.
Effects of Helicopter Parenting
Why is hovering over our children something we should try to avoid? Well, there is evidence that this style of parenting can lead to some psychological problems as these children begin to grow up. When these kids enter college and beyond they are more likely to experience anxiety and depression.
They are also more likely to struggle academically in college as the new levels of independence can be harder for them to manage on their own.
Another unfortunate side-effect of helicopter parenting is low self-esteem. These children tend to have more doubts about their abilities as they haven’t been given the chance to problem-solve on their own.
This style of parenting can cause an inflated sense of entitlement in these children. They may begin to believe that they deserve a certain level of success, support, or aide from those around them. They may have trouble dealing with failure or handling consequences for their actions.
These kids may struggle to develop the proper coping skills they will need as they grow and are forced to deal with life’s many challenges. Conflict resolution can be a weakness for them, as they have little experience independently navigating conflict through their childhood and adolescent years.
Childhood is a chance for kids to develop confidence in their ability to navigate the world on their own. It’s essential that we give them the chance to grow their independence in age-appropriate ways so they have what they need to face the many demands of adulthood well.
How to Stop Helicopter Parenting (Without Feeling Guilty)
Letting go is one of the hardest parts of parenting. So often, we equate “love” with “helping” — stepping in, smoothing things out, keeping our children comfortable. But real love doesn’t eliminate every challenge. Real love equips our children for independence, even when it feels uncomfortable for us.
One of the best pieces of parenting advice I’ve ever received came from our pastor: "Make decisions now with the future in mind."
It’s so easy to get caught up in today (the homework, the meltdowns, the messy rooms) and forget that our children are becoming adults. So ask yourself:
What kind of adult am I raising?
Do I want them to be confident?
Resilient?
Compassionate?
A servant leader?
If so, we have to start parenting for that outcome — not just today’s convenience or comfort.
Here are a few practical and heart-centered ways to begin stepping back (without stepping away):
1. Parent with the End in Mind
Before jumping in to fix something, pause and ask: Is this helping them grow into the kind of person I hope they’ll become?
If your goal is to raise responsible, self-assured adults, then now is the time to start letting them try — and even fail — while they’re still under your roof.
2. Encourage Age-Appropriate Responsibility
Your kids can handle more than you think. Give them opportunities to:
Pack their own lunch (even if it’s just snacks at first)
Handle friendship challenges on their own
Do their laundry (yes, even the whites!)
Complete their homework (and live with the results)
3. Step Back, Don’t Step Away
Let them struggle a little. Even with something as simple as finding their socks. Stay nearby, be supportive, but don’t immediately jump in to save the day.
They won’t always get it right, but that’s the point. That’s where the growth happens.
4. Don’t Rescue Them from Consequences
We hate seeing our kids hurt or disappointed, but failure is one of life’s greatest teachers. When your child makes a mistake:
Let the consequence stand
Walk with them through the discomfort
Offer empathy, not escape
Instead of fixing it, help them ask: What can I learn from this?
5. Let Them Contribute at Home
Chores aren’t just about getting help around the house. They’re practice for real life. Assign age-appropriate responsibilities and treat them like they’re capable. Because they are.
Doing dishes, feeding the dog, making their bed...
These small acts build confidence and life skills that will stick with them.
6. Trust God with Their Growth
This might be the hardest part — but also the most freeing.
At the end of the day, our children belong to God before they ever belonged to us. He loves them even more than we do. When it feels too hard to let go, give them back to Him in prayer.
Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Letting Go Is a Gift
Helicopter parenting often comes from a beautiful place: Deep love and devotion. But love isn’t about making life easy. It’s about preparing our kids for life beyond us.
By giving them space to fall, fail, and figure it out, we’re giving them something far more valuable than momentary comfort: confidence, character, and courage.
And don’t worry. If you’ve been hovering more than you’d like, it’s not too late. Start small. Stay consistent. And trust that God’s grace covers both you and your child every step of the way.
Originally published April 20, 2023.
