What Does the Story of Jacob and Esau Teach Us about Favoritism in Parenting?
Jacob and Esau were twin brothers who entered this world struggling to determine who was first. This struggle followed them for all of their lives.
Genesis 25: 24-26:
When the time came for her to give birth, there were twin boys in her womb. The first to come out was red; his whole body was like a hairy garment; so they named him Esau. After this, his brother came out, grasping Esau's heel; so he was named Jacob. Isaac was sixty years old when Rebekah gave birth to them.
These boys grew up to be wildly different men. Esau was a burly, outdoorsy hunter. Jacob was a homebody who enjoyed staying in the tents. He was close to his mother. One day, Jacob used his domestic skills to swindle his brother out of his birthright.
Genesis 25: 29-34:
Once, when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau came in from the open country, famished. He said to Jacob, "Quick, let me have some of that red stew! I'm famished!" (That is why he was also called Edom.) Jacob replied, "First, sell me your birthright." "Look, I am about to die," Esau said. "What good is the birthright to me?" But Jacob said, "Swear to me first." So he swore an oath to him, selling his birthright to Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and some lentil stew. He ate and drank, and then got up and left. So Esau despised his birthright.
The competition between these brothers only intensified throughout their lives. When Isaac, their father, who favored Esau, grew old and his health began to decline, his eyesight was poor, and he knew his life would be ending soon. He charged Esau to go out and hunt some game that he could prepare. Over this special meal, Isaac planned to give his blessing to Esau before he died.
Jacob and Rebekah overheard this conversation and began to scheme against Esau. They prepared their dinner for Isaac, dressed Jacob in Esau's clothes, and covered his arms with goat skins so he would feel hairy like his brother. Isaac, feeling the hairy arms, mistakenly gave his blessing to Jacob. When Esau discovered Jacob's deceit, he pledged to kill him (Genesis 27).
Favoritism in Parenting Is Harmful
We see that Rebekah and Isaac's favoritism toward their sons created tension, deceit, and turmoil in their family. If these brothers had been taught to appreciate their unique skills and differences rather than using them as a source of comparison and tension, perhaps they would have learned to love each other rather than live at odds.
Ultimately, Rebekah's scheme for Jacob to steal Esau's blessing led to irreparable damage to the relationship between these brothers. Jacob had to flee his home to avoid being killed by Esau. Also, Easu lost the blessing that was rightfully his.
James 2:9 says, "But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors." The Bible makes it clear that partiality is a sin. Jacob and Esua's story highlights how toxic favoritism in the family unit can be.
It's not uncommon to have kids you struggle to connect with, and others with whom you get along. Each child comes into this world with different talents, struggles, temperaments, and more! Our kids have the privilege of choosing who they would like to become. If you grow your family through adoption, the challenging reality is that loving them comes quickly, but attachment can be a long and difficult process. When attachment is challenging, our capacity and enjoyment for that child can be more limited.
It's okay to have these kinds of struggles in our families. We are all imperfect people doing our best to grow together in love, but we cannot let these barriers define how we treat our children. One child may be more challenging, but that does not make them less deserving of your love and affection. As adults, we must grow our skills, find ways to increase our capacity, and invest intentionally in each of our kids so they know how valued they are, even if it's not always easy.
Avoid Favoritism by Investing in Knowing and Loving Each of Your Children
How we interact with each of our kids doesn't always have to be completely even or fair, as they are all different and come with specific needs. We do need to invest in getting to know each other and ensuring they know they are loved for who they are. Parents need to appreciate each of their kids for exactly who God made them to be!
Isaac and Rebekah show us 'what not to do.' They each, in a way, claim a kid for their own. They don't take the time to know and love the child who does not naturally share their interests. This pits the kids against each other and creates division in their home.
We must celebrate each of our children as gifts from God, sowing into the traits you enjoy as a parent and finding ways to appreciate your differences, too! Our kids should not feel they must mold themselves to align with our preferences to gain attention. Parents should be there to cheer them on in all their pursuits.
Parents Are Called to Model Unity to Their Children
Isaac and Rebekah are divided in their approach to parenting. They each cling to and favor one child and work against each other in how they hope to bless their offspring. Their divided parenting results in a divided household. When we, as parents, pick favorites and are not in agreement about how to bless, guide, and direct our children, we model division for them.
1 Corinthians 1:10 says, "I appeal to you, brothers, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that all of you agree, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be united in the same mind and the same judgment."
As parents, it's vital that we don't let divisions exist. We have to agree on how we guide our family. We must show undivided love and attention to every child we have been given the privilege to parent. When we fail to model this, our families fail to grow together in love and unity.
Parents Are Called to Model Godly Character to Their Children
Colossians 3:20-21 says, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged."
We have a responsibility to model godly character to our kids. When we fail to do this, we provoke them, and they can become discouraged. The favoritism we see in the story of these brothers eventually leads to great anger and frustration, especially in Esau.
Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it."
Our job as parents is to act as shepherds for our children, guiding them toward truth and God's goodness. When we show partiality, we are not gently guiding them, imparting insecurity into their story. They see finding favor as their objective and a measure of their worth, rather than who they are as God's created child, as the thing that defines their value.
Parenting is holy work, and how we treat our children has ripple effects into how they approach their children and so on for generations to come. We are called to show our kids unconditional and impartial love as their parents.
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Originally published July 14, 2025.
