Recognizing the Man of Your Dreams - Part II
- Michelle McKinney Hammond Author
- 2005 22 Apr
The Mating Dance
Even after your first outing, there is a lot that needs to be proven before you can get excited, like if he will call again. What is the next-most-famous men's line right after "Let's just be friends"? You got it: "I'll call you." Sometimes men do not know what to say at the end of the evening, so they just say this line that all women love to hear. It is an easy out.
Hearing from him again has everything to do with how he felt about your time together. Did you leave him wanting to get to know you better? This means you left all of your deep, dark secrets in the closet and just had a good time, hopefully finding out more about him than what you were tempted to tell him about yourself. No man on the first encounter wants to hear about past relationships and all that you have been through. Keep it light and have a good time. Pretend you are on "Oprah." What would Oprah ask him about himself? For now, you get to be the interviewer that makes him feel as if he is the star. Remember, men have fragile egos. The more interest you show, the more he will warm up, reveal himself, and also become more curious about you.
Now is not the time to get all deep and spiritual. Did someone gasp? I am just keeping it real! You should be spiritual and not have to prove you are spiritual by what you say. Jesus had general conversations with people. He opened the door for deeper conversation, but He allowed those He spoke with to choose when they were ready to go beyond where they were. For now, this man just wants to accumulate basic information about you. Are you nice? Do you have a sense o f humor? What do you do? What are your interests? Do you like him? That's it. There will be plenty of time for all the important stuff later. Who he is spiritually will be revealed through his conversation, how he handles himself, and how he respects you on your evening out.
Should you hear from him again, and your interaction becomes more regular, you will know you hit the jackpot if he wants to see you on the weekend. This will also let you know if he has someone else in his life or not. A man does not give up the weekends for just anybody. Beware of a man who does not give you his phone number. If there is nothing to hide, he will be transparent with you and give you access to himself, although you should use it sparingly. You are permitted to call once to say you enjoyed yourself with him the day before, just so he knows he is appreciated. Allow him the room he needs to pursue. Men do not like women calling them all the time because it usurps their position in the game. Got it? If he is interested, he will do the pursuing.
A man will do what he has to do to get what he wants. He is not shy or getting over a past relationship when you do not hear from him – he is just not interested. He might be slightly interested, but not enough to do what needs to be done. This would be the case if he has other options, or is aware he really has nothing to offer you. Smart women use their heads as well as their hearts in love. They do not take things personally. If a man cannot see your value and match it, then he is not ready for you. It is best to find this out early in the dance before you invest your heart just because the music sounded good.
Let's move on to the next phase: provision. This is big. There is something about the heart of a man, or should I say the heart of a real man, where he wants to make life better for you. He seeks to be the answer to your prayers. As I always say, a man does not want to be your oxygen (unless he is unhealthy), but he does want to be your hero. His heart will be moved to provide for your needs, from physical help to financial help if need be. This brings up our favorite subject again: vulnerability. Ladies, I know that we "sistahs are doing it for themselves," but can we leave a little somethin' for the men to do for us? A man needs to feel needed. It is marvelous you know how to fix your own car. Just do not do it when he is around. You better learn how to ask for some help! Watch his entire persona change when he feels he has come to your rescue.
The Ways of a Woman
Women have become self-sufficient in so many ways, partly out of necessity and partly out of frustration, that they often cannot depend on anyone other than themselves. But this does not have to be the case. Most men have abdicated being gallant because they no longer feel needed. In the midst of their own frustration at being robbed of what proves them to be men, their reaction is, "Fine! Do it yourself, then."
Though we are running corporations and "moving and shaking" out there in the marketplace, be careful. Do not sacrifice your femininity before you consider all that it will cost you. A woman behaving like a man will walk a lonely path because she leads men to assume they are not needed. This does not mean you should slip to the opposite extreme and reveal all your woes. This is overwhelming to a man. Besides, he can only solve one problem at a time. Most men are not multi-taskers, so only give out as much information as they can do something about at the present. Table all talk about past relationship dramas and ex-boyfriends. Some wounds you have to allow God to heal, then move on. Do not make other people responsible for past pain and disappointment. Nor do you want him to ponder your contribution to your past.
When Boaz approached Ruth, she did not go into a long dirge about all the hardships she had endured. He had already spotted her present need and addressed it by making provision for her. Not only did he instruct his workers to drop extra grain for her to gather, he also reiterated that no one was to trouble her. Her welfare was uppermost in his mind. He then told her not to glean in anyone else's field. She was to remain in his until the harvest was completed. She thanked him for his consideration, smiled, and went back to what she was doing.
This brings me to my next point: protection. The heart of a Boaz kind of man will not lead you on. He will be an intentional man and keep his accounts short with you. If he is not looking for a relationship, he will say so. If he wants a relationship, he will let it be known. If the man in your life does not tell you to not glean in any other field, take note. Do not establish a relationship in your mind that does not exist. If you have been seeing this man for some time and he has never brought up the subject of his intentions, you can ask him how we feels about your relationship. Where does he see it going? You have been having a wonderful time with him and just wanted to know how he was feeling about the time you shared together. Leave the door open for him to step through. Do not demand a commitment or give ultimatums! This never turns out the way you want it to.
Ruth minded her own business, stayed focused on what she had come to do, and allowed Boaz to make the overtures toward her. At mealtime, he invited her to eat beside him, literally passing food to her to eat. He stayed close to show his position and his care for her. I am sure the other reapers lifted an eyebrow to one another when he left. I can imagine the conversation: "Hmm! Well, could it be that Boaz sees something he likes? He's never told us to drop extra grain for the gleaners before! A little possessive, don't you think, telling us not to bother her or rebuke her for taking more than her share? Oh, yes, I would say that someone has finally caught the eye of our boss."
Your Boaz's provision for you will be evident to other people and they will know you are not just any woman. You are special. There will be a change in the attitude of his friends toward you – a quiet respect. You have become the one that should be treated differently from the rest. When a man switches into commitment mode, you will know it.
How do you know his heart is not there? When he is not moved to a part of your world. If he never wants to go any deeper in conversation and sticks close to the surface, he is just out for a pleasant time, nothing more. If he never wants to expose you to his friends, or family, that is an even bigger red flag. If he wants to avoid your friends and family, he is avoiding raising any expectations in your heart and their minds about where he stands with you. If he is only skimming the surface in relating to you, even though he offers help when he sees a need you have, let him go. His body may be beside you, but his mind is on the other side of town, as the song goes. Staying clear and realistic will preserve your heart and keep you from wasting time. One big tip: If you are ready to be married, do not date men who are not interested in marriage or marriage material. You have better things to do with your heart and your time.
It has been said that if you have to ask the price, you cannot afford it. The same is true with love. If you have to play with daisies to determine if he cares for you, you already know the answer. When a man is serious about you, he will make sure you know it because he will want the rules of the game to change from a free-for-all to an exclusive match. The only time this might get iffy is if you are sending mixed signals that set him off-kilter. In this scenario, he might take flight rather than risk the pain of rejection, so be real. Stay open to where he wants the relationship to go. Give him the chance to grow comfortable with his feelings for you so he feels safe to declare what is in his heart. Love is not the arena for playing games. Remain transparent. Ruth was transparent in her humility and thankfulness to Boaz. She was truly appreciative of his kindness and attention to her, a foreigner. This only drove him to reassure her that he was indeed serious about his commitment to take care of her.
This goes to prove my final point. There was nothing Ruth could do for Boaz really. She did not have any money. She could not buy him gifts. She did not have a telephone, so she could not call him in case he was shy. All she could do was be herself. She could not even fancy herself up. All she could do was be appreciative of him, and that was enough. She left him in the position of power, and he did not abuse it. She allowed him to feel like a man. I believe we are all looking for a real man. This means we have to allow a man to just be. She was a woman, soft but strong, warm, caring, and humble. No airs or pretenses, she was simply Ruth, and he loved her for it. Why not give it a try an simply be you.
Click here to read Part I.
Taken from "Ending the Search for Mr. Right" by Michelle McKinney Hammond; Copyright 2005 by Michelle McKinney Hammond; Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR; Used by Permission.
Michelle McKinney Hammond, a writer, singer, and speaker who focuses on improving love–driven relationships, is the founder and president of HeartWing Ministries as well as the co-host of the Emmy nominated show "Aspiring Women." Michelle is the author of "The DIVA Principle™", "101 Ways to Get and Keep His Attention"," Sassy, Single, & Satisfied", "Secrets of an Irresistible Woman", "What to Do Until Love Finds You", "Get a Love Life", and "The Power of Being a Woman."