Singles Q&A: And Baby Makes Three
- Carolyn McCulley Author & Contributing Writer
- 2006 29 Nov
QUESTION: I have run across a situation I have never encountered before and don't know how to handle. My best friend, a thirty-something Christian woman, is married, and she and her husband are starting to think about having a baby. Up until now, we have been really close since (except for marriage) our lives are pretty much the same. But a baby will, of course, change all of that.
I am really praying for the Lord to lead me in what my new role will be in my friend's life. My question is: do you have any practical suggestions for how I can be encouraging and helpful to my friend in this time? I want to be there for her and her new family emotionally, spiritually, and practically, but I have no clue how to do this.
ANSWER: Kudos to you for thinking of how to be a blessing at this time! That’s 90 percent of the effort right there. Well done!
Now to the practicals. My friends have children ranging from infants to teens, so I have had the benefit of watching how different stages of parenting affect adult sociability. From my personal experience and observation, I would say the first child introduces far more change than subsequent children. Becoming a parent is kind of like learning to ride a bike – it takes all your concentration to keep yourself upright. Then one day, it becomes almost an unconscious skill. Right now, your friend is entering the wobbly stage. If you remember that, you won’t be offended by her distraction as she concentrates on issues of conception, pregnancy, and child-rearing. She has to learn these new skills before she can multi-task them.
Being a friend to someone on this new journey is an opportunity for you to learn, as well. I would say that the most important and supportive thing you can do for her is to pray – and let her know of your prayer support.
The second most supportive thing would be to listen. Your friend and her husband are going to be thinking aloud about a lot of new things in the coming months and years. If they know you are interested and responsive, they will want to include you in this conversation. If they think you are jealous or bored, they will become more circumspect.
The third most important thing to do is ask questions. Ask how you can encourage them now, ask them what would be helpful, ask them what you can learn with them. Your friend may want you to come with her to doctor’s appointments – or she may feel this is something she wants to do just with her husband. You won’t know until you ask. Your friend may not want you to ask about her hopes for pregnancy – she may just want to tell you when she becomes pregnant. You won’t know until you ask her preferences.
I assume that you two may study the Word together and possibly are accountability partners. So you may want to offer to study parenting materials or pregnancy materials together – so you have an idea of what to inquire after when the baby arrives on the scene. Let your friend know, with a big smile, that you hope to be learning for the future, too. (I’ve listed some recommended resources below.)
Other practical suggestions would be to offer to plan a baby shower, to help paint the baby’s room, or to coordinate meals after she delivers. If you don’t know much about caring for children but you’d like to serve this family in the future, then ask if you can go to some parenting classes with her. If she’s tempted to complain about her appearance as her pregnancy progresses, be sure to tell her often whenever she’s having a good hair day or her skin is glowing. More importantly, encourage her with the eternal perspective that she is being fruitful now – and bless her for it. This is a privilege that we women have, to follow the example of Elizabeth and bless the fruit of another woman’s womb (Luke 1:42).
When the baby comes, keep in mind that it’s an exhausting experience to have an infant. You will no longer be a primary relationship, which is only right. BUT … that doesn’t mean you are no longer valued as a friend. You just have to step back a bit to make room for this addition. And you have to recognize that your friendship may wane a bit as your friend masters motherhood. That doesn’t mean you are not needed.
I had a good friend who seemed to have slipped through the black hole of marriage and motherhood, never to be seen again. What I didn’t know was during that time, she was barely holding on. She had a toddler actively exploring his boundaries and an infant with chronic colic – as in a year filled with daily bouts of crying and fussing. If she was able to get a shower, it was a good day. Much to my shame, I interpreted her silence as a waning interest in our friendship. Only later did I find out how much she was struggling during that time – and I’ve regretted that lapse in our friendship ever since.
Finally, when you are tempted to self-pity or sinful comparisons (most of us are at some point!), remember that marriage and family are the frontlines of spiritual warfare today. Our culture and our spiritual Enemy are warring against God’s standards in these areas. The efforts that you make to be a blessing to this couple and their children are actually very important in this battle. The church is not a facility; the church is a network of relationships built by those who have been purchased by Christ’s own redemption.
So when you babysit for a couple on a date night, you are not just a warm body keeping an eye on a sleeping infant. You are investing your time in the strength and viability of a marriage. As the strength of marriages and families go, so goes the strength of the local church and the credibility of the gospel. It is no small thing to invest in other people’s families. It is a form of spiritual warfare and an investment in an institution under attack.
"Shepherding a Child’s Heart" by Tedd Tripp, an eye-opening book on the goals of parenting
"Feminine Appeal: Seven Virtues of a Godly Wife and Mother" by Carolyn Mahaney – great counsel for every wife and mother, not to mention singles
The Girl Talk blog, for two generations of great advice for wives and mothers (girltalk.blogs.com)
"Twelve Extraordinary Women" by John MacArthur, an excellent resource for studying together what you still have in common as Christian sisters, even as you are in different seasons of life
Carolyn McCulley works for Sovereign Grace Ministries in church and ministry relations. She is also an author ( "Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye? Trusting God with a Hope Deferred") and blogger (solofemininity.blogs.com). Carolyn is also a member of Covenant Life Church where one of her favorite ministries is the single women's discipleship program. She highly recommends the resources for singles from the New Attitude conference and blog.
Your questions answered! Carolyn will periodically answer Crosswalk.com reader questions in her Singles Q&A columns. While we can't guarantee that each question will be answered, we do hope to hear from you! Please send your questions regarding singleness and related topics to Carolyn at firstname.lastname@example.org.