EDITOR'S NOTE: He Said-She Said is a biweekly advice column for singles featuring a question from a Crosswalk.com reader with responses from a male and female point of view. If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to firstname.lastname@example.org (selected questions will be posted anonymously).
I am a 31-year-old Christian woman who believes God still tells people whom to marry if they trust Him to guide them. God revealed to me whom I am supposed to marry about 5 years ago but since then the man has not so much as asked me out on a date. We met at a campus fellowship and we hung out a number of times but always in the company of friends and fellowship members. I have been contemplating if I should reach out to him or should I just wait until he asks me out. What do you think is right?
This seems to be a common theme among singles these days – mutual interest amongst a couple but either the guy doesn’t take the initiative to pursue or the girl doesn’t respond to any advances.
As for the Biblical part of your question, God does guide and direct our steps as penned by David in >Proverbs 16:9:
A person plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.
As to the specificity of how He directs our steps, each person has to make that determination based upon their own communication and relationship with the Lord. For some, the direction can lead to our eventual mate, for others we may “desire it” into a message from the Lord.
No matter how your revelation was received, you should take the steps to find whether or not your interest has received the same message. Sometimes we don’t hear nor follow what the Lord is telling us which oftentimes impacts others, and other times it may be a prophecy for an event years down the road.
Communication has gotten so much easier these days especially with all of the social networking available to us. You can make contact simply by saying you saw a post about something that made you think of him or caused you to remember a campus fellowship event you shared and wondered if he wanted to get together to catch up.
Christian guys sometimes have the tendency to be a little too laid back when it comes to dating (I too am guilty of it at times). Sometimes we don’t realize someone is interested in us, we want to make sure about the relationship before we begin or we fear the backlash of the “congregational talk” (similar to schoolyard rumors). Whatever the reason, simply reach out and see what transpires from it.
You will only regret it if you don’t.
While God may have communicated this information to you, this man also has to hear and act on the same communication. And you are not able to control whether he receives the same message from God.
I too have been in a similar situation. We all have free will. I have missed many opportunities in life due to not being obedient. Sometimes I was afraid, tired, angry or lazy. Sometimes I knew what I was going to do would or could change my entire life. And as a result, I wasn’t too sure I wanted that kind of change.
So could this guy be in one of the scenarios? Could he be hearing the same thing from God but be afraid? Could he think there is someone better (in his mind) or be afraid of change? Possibly. Or there’s the possibility that God has not guided him in your direction.
Should you reach out to him or just wait? I say, go for it because he may very well be unaware of your feelings. Tell him that you would like to get to know him better. Ask him to coffee, etc.
Now, I wouldn’t tell him what you believe God has revealed to you just yet, as it might scare him off. But I would be assertive in letting him know you would like to get to know him better. Now some may say you are leading the relationship by asking him out first. I say this has nothing to do with leadership but with communication. He needs to know your interest so you can either 1) start dating by his lead or 2) agree to not date and move on. Either way you will know.
And if you choose to continue waiting, pray that God will guide both of you—whatever direction that may be. While you can’t control what he does, you can control what you do. Seek out God during this time of waiting, and don’t let unfulfilled desires or unrequited love get in the way of the joy God brings to your life every day!
Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord. Psalm 27:14
HE is … Cliff Young, a Crosswalk.com contributing writer and a veteran single of many decades. He has traveled the world in search of fresh experiences, serving opportunities, and the perfect woman (for him) and has found that his investments in God, career and youth ministry have paid off in priceless dividends.
SHE is ... Kris Swiatocho, the President and Director of TheSinglesNetwork.org Ministries and FromHisHands.com Ministries. Kris has served in ministry in various capacities for the last 25 years. An accomplished trainer and mentor, Kris has a heart to reach and grow leaders so they will in turn reach and grow others. She is also the author of four books.
DISCLAIMER: We are not trained psychologists or licensed professionals. We're just average folk who understand what it's like to live the solo life in the twenty-first century. We believe that the Bible is our go-to guide for answers to all of life's questions, and it's where we'll go for guidance when responding to your questions. Also, it's important to note that we write our answers separately.
GOT A QUESTION? If you've got a question about anything related to singleness or living the single life, please submit it to email@example.com (selected questions will be posted anonymously). While we are unable to answer every inquiry, we do hope that this column will be an encouragement to you. Click here to visit the He Said-She Said archives.