Feline Physics
1.Law of Cat Inertia: A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
2.Law of Cat Motion: A cat will move in a straight line, unless there's a really good reason to change direction.
3.Law of Cat Magnetism: All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
4.Law of Cat Thermodynamics: Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
5.Law of Cat Stretching: A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
6.Law of Cat Sleeping: All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.
7.Law of Cat Elongation: A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.
8.Law of Cat Acceleration: A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
9.Law of Dinner Table: Attendance Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
10.Law of Rug Configuration: No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
11.Law of Obedience Resistance: A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
12.First Law of Energy Conservation: Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
13.Second Law of Energy Conservation: Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
14.Law of Refrigerator Observation: If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
15.Law of Electric Blanket Attraction: Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
16.Law of Random Comfort Seeking: A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
17.Law of Bag / Box Occupancy: All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
18.Law of Cat Embarrassment: A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
19.Law of Milk Consumption: A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
20.Law of Furniture Replacement: A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Originally published September 23, 2005.
