The Doggie Pledge
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
“Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear.
I will not burn rubber through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.
I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
