Wisdom of the Household Dog

- "Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

- The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.

- I will not play tug-o'-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet

- I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing.

- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

- I will not chew crayons or pens, 'specially not the red ones so my people will think I am dying.

- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her ear.

- I will not throw up in the car.

- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur *before* entering the house.

- I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.

- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

- I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.