- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
- According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
- All generalizations are false.
- All men are idiots, and I married their King.
- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
- Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- Born free...Taxed to death.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
- Driver carries no cash. He's married
- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
- For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
- Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
- Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
- Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Hit me, I need the money!
- Horn broken. Watch for finger.
- How can I miss you if you won't go away?
- HUG A LOGGER--you'll never go back to trees
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I brake for no apparent reason.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- I love cats...they taste just like chicken..
- i souport publik edekashun.
- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
- If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
- I'm happily married - but my wife isn't.
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
- I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- It wasn't actually a divorce - I was traded.
- Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
- Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
- Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
- Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
- Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
- No radio - Already stolen.
- OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
- Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
- Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
- Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
- Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
- Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
- SUPPORT BINGO--keep Grandma off the streets
- Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
- The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
- There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
- Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
- Two wrongs are only the beginning.
- Very funny Scotty, now beam down my clothes.
- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
- When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
- Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
- Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
- Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
