A Dictionary For Women
Published Jan 01, 1900
Aaaack (aak) interj.
An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning --- and you don't know where the spider is.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
v Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks
. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,...breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy
women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a
place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
An utterance upon running directly into a spider web first thing in the morning --- and you don't know where the spider is.
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Balance the checkbook (bal*ens da chek*buk) v.
To go to the cash machine and hit "inquire."
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n.
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
v Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n.
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks
. Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a basketball game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v.
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n.
Similar to a black hole in space - if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say
"focus,...breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n.
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only trashy
women would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a
place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n.
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Zillion (zil*yen) n.
The number of times you ask someone to take out the trash, then end up doing it yourself ...anyway.
Originally published November 14, 2002.
