A Dictionary for Women
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. -- A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n. -- What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. -- You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat, and cleaned everything up, but he "made the dinner".
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. -- Gotta get married in a church.
Childbirth (child*brth) n. -- You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus... breathe.... push...."
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. -- An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. -- A drink you buy at a conven- ience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&M's.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. -- The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. -- To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery list (grow*ser*ee list) n. -- What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. -- Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician".
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. -- Similar to a black hole in space: if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Lipstick (lip*stik) n. -- On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n. -- Before children, a verb meaning "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n. -- The most important ingredient for dating, marriage, and children. See also "tranquilizers".
Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. -- A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. -- Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Originally published August 08, 2005.
